In the name of God, most Gracious, most Compassionate

In the name of God, most Gracious, most Compassionate
Al-Quran (30:30)

So direct your face toward the religion, inclining to truth. [Adhere to] the fitrah of Allah upon which He has created [all] people. No change should there be in the creation of Allah. That is the correct religion, but most of the people do not know.

فَأَقِمْ وَجْهَكَ لِلدِّينِ حَنِيفًا فِطْرَةَ اللَّهِ الَّتِي فَطَرَ النَّاسَ عَلَيْهَا لَا تَبْدِيلَ لِخَلْقِ اللَّهِ ذَلِكَ الدِّينُ الْقَيِّمُ وَلَكِنَّ أَكْثَرَ النَّاسِ لَا يَعْلَمُونَ
[Al-Imran 3:8] "[Who say], "Our Lord, let not our hearts deviate after You have guided us and grant us from Yourself mercy. Indeed, You are the Bestower."

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

I am C-Muslim :(

I have not been able to sleep as of late due to anxiety. The only things that helps is reading Quran. It is my reality check that sets my priorities in perspective. Life is demanding and its not even worth that much of my energy to stress over it. I hate how it diverts me from my real priorities in life like to please Allah (swt) and to work towards earning Jannah. As of right now I think I am C- Muslim :(

Allah(swt) gives us so much oppurtunities to earn "extra credit" and we don't try to earn it. WHAT IS WRONG WITH US?! We will do anything to earn extra credit for our courses that only last 10 weeks yet we don't want to earn extra credit for jannah that lasts for eternity. Apparently we got our priorities switched. FAIL!

I am also so close to graduating and don't know what to do. I have not taken my GRE's, MCAT's or PCAT's pretty much just always been stressed. I don't know what I am passionate about anymore. I lost it. SCHOOL made me loose it or I did lol. I feel like a machine. All I know is that I enjoy chemisty/science but I feel that is not enough for the world. Its as if in order to prove to the world I am a "somebody" I need something more lucrative like a Ph.d or an M.D. I mean I would love to pursue something great but I just don't think I have the luxury of time to do so. I need that extra credit for Jannah. I am always stressed for what?! for some stupid grade that denotes my academic thus my human value? Why can't I just learn for fun?

I am scared to die and not spend enough time with my family knowing the possibility that I will never see them again (not in jannah) and thinking of their fate if they died in such state (not muslims).I am scared to die not being a good muslim. I want to spend my life making my loved ones and my family happy and giving them what i can of what they define as paradise in this life because I know what lays ahead. It breaks my heart every night that i have to think about this and thus is another reason why I have so much anxiety. I want to be an awesome Muslim not a mediocre one.

I can't understand how someone would rather choose this temporary life over jannah. What do they simply see in this?

I am in spring break as of now I don't want to return back to school and my predictable dull life. The only thing that keeps me going is that I can't abandon the fact that I am my parents retirement plan and I want to be. I guess I can Happily say they are my passion that is worth my energy. May Allah (swt) make it easy on me and open their hearts Ameen.