In the name of God, most Gracious, most Compassionate

In the name of God, most Gracious, most Compassionate
Al-Quran (30:30)

So direct your face toward the religion, inclining to truth. [Adhere to] the fitrah of Allah upon which He has created [all] people. No change should there be in the creation of Allah. That is the correct religion, but most of the people do not know.

فَأَقِمْ وَجْهَكَ لِلدِّينِ حَنِيفًا فِطْرَةَ اللَّهِ الَّتِي فَطَرَ النَّاسَ عَلَيْهَا لَا تَبْدِيلَ لِخَلْقِ اللَّهِ ذَلِكَ الدِّينُ الْقَيِّمُ وَلَكِنَّ أَكْثَرَ النَّاسِ لَا يَعْلَمُونَ
[Al-Imran 3:8] "[Who say], "Our Lord, let not our hearts deviate after You have guided us and grant us from Yourself mercy. Indeed, You are the Bestower."

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Be Grateful :)

Ya Allah, I hope I did not depress anyone with that dumb stuff from my last post, I deleted it. As a matter of fact I should delete all my “emo” posts. I am happy to be Muslim and that will always be the case BITHNI’ILLAH. We need to realize that Shaytan exaggerates things in order to dishevel and become susceptible to his “traps.” One of the purpose of these traps are to make us ungrateful. Once one becomes ungrateful then that becomes the means of our own destruction.  Bitterness and hopelessness is a disease. Alhamdulillah I got off that cycle before it had the chance to condition itself in my heart. There is one truth that I can derive from what I was feeling: that is don’t have hope in this dunya. "Our hope should be in Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala. Know that this world will fail you but not Allah. This world is transient so do not place your hopes in it. Strive for the hereafter and believe in the promises of Allah."

  • If you are broke- GIVE CHARITY
  • If you feel your life is difficult- COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS
  • When you feel hopeless-REFLECT ON THE NAMES OF ALLAH AND MAKE DUA.
  • If you feel restless- FALL ASLEEP TALKING TO ALLAH

FOLLOW THE SUNNAH in everything from social aspects to physical aspects. Eat healthy, stay fit, build healthy relationships with people FOR THE SAKE OF ALLAH and you will be happy. That is all you need to know to be happy in this world, ISLAM. 

Friday, December 16, 2011

Think Well of Allah: A Lesson for the Believer

Do not desist from asking from Allah. Think well of your Lord, he the most merciful and has 
your best interests. Love him and he will love you. 

[2:259] "...And when it became clear to him, he said, "I know that Allah is able to do all things."

"Allah said, 'I am to my slave as he thinks of Me, (i.e. I am able to do for him what he thinks I can do for him). (Sahih Bukhari : 502)

I am content...

A real believer has tawakkul. It takes a lot for someone to be content and have full trust that Allah (subhana wa ta’ala) has their best interest. We should think well of Allah. When Allah promise,s he fulfills his promises. One of the names of Allah is Ar-Razzaq and I feel that sometimes we forget that he is. We think that our fruits are from our own doing but we are mistaken. Allah is the ultimate decision maker of whether we attain such blessings or not. If we are blessed that should also prompt us to question our position. Perhaps our blessings could be a punishment because they can stray us from Truth. When Allah wants well for one of his slaves he gives them trials in order to purify them in this world rather than in the next realm.

I just graduated from Univ, I am not married and the rest sort of goes down hill... I don’t have anyone to protect me, speak for me or even represent me. As a result, I feel many have tried advantage of my situation to belittle me or not give me my rights as their Muslim sister in Islam. I am content, nonetheless and I don’t ask for any other situation.  Allah knows what is best for me. I don’t bother to stress about something that perhaps is not meant for me. If it is meant for me then good; if not;  it is okay. Taking such a position as this, makes life so much more bearable. I don’t think I would be able to survive any other way.  Everything in Islam is such a blessing.  Even the mere fact that I can be grateful is a blessing as I can get rewarded for even being grateful.

I’m applying to so many jobs and grad school simultaneously. At the same time, I will be jobless in less than 15 days so I need a job ASAP. Alhamdulillah, I have a family yet I don’t include them into the equation unless its totally necessary. I am able body and Allah has bestowed me with intellect. I can get by. Yeah I am alone, yeah I am hijabi revert, this society is coocky and islamophobic but it is going to be alright Bithni'illah! It is hard, but Allah knows this as well and I was given this situation for a reason. It is my trial and I am content. 

Allah's Mercy

When I think of Allah’s mercy it really humbles me. I wish it had a more lasting effect on me. Allah is so merciful towards me that he does not immediately destroy me Subhana’Allah.  When make dua I really I don’t feel that I am in the position to have my dua accepted but regardless I try SOMETIMES in hopes that perhaps Allah would be merciful enough to accept my repentance and allow a dua to be accepted.

Last night I went to bed very late because I have been alone for the past week. I was so scared that I felt my heart thump on my chest and I thought that I could die in my sleep. I thought of how fragile our bodies are and how easily I could die. It made me more scared and I went to sleep doing istigfar and saying the Shahadah.
I sometimes don’t know where I get the strength to persevere in this life. When something goes wrong I just think that Allah is merciful and nothing worse can occur. In addition, if I ask Allah to purify me and I am enduring some difficult obstacles at the moment I should be grateful. Perhaps Allah is answering one of my duas of purification and purifying me through these trials.

I know I am a long ways from where I want to be. So its okay... all good things take time and as long as I get a good ending I can be content with it :) I just hope in Allah that he will not seal my heart and always guide me. 

Sunday, December 4, 2011

My brother in my dream

I don’t ever try to interpret my dreams. My dreams are somehow discernible. They largely are made up of my thoughts and issues that at the moment are of high importance. Therefore they are very predictable. If I went shopping with my mother I will dream about it. If I went running I will dream about it. If I had a thought about how I think my professor is a jerk I will dream about it. Regardless, its important to note that good dreams are from Allah so we should not think they are insignificant.

This past week, I dreamed that my brother was Muslim. I had planned to write about it sooner and now the memory of my dream is too vague. uggh :(  All I remember was that it beautiful and that my brother was really serious about his fajr prayers! MASHA'ALLAH In my dream, he had called his wife at home to check up if she had prayed fajr. Although I was dreaming, I was shocked at his conviction. More shocking was that his wife had followed him into Islam.

Realistically, they are the least people I would expect to embrace Islam ( I feel horrible I feel this way). Once at a family gathering a male cousin of mine inquired me about "my religion", islam. He wanted me to tell him a bit about it. He felt convinced that it is the religion that should be followed as that is what he conveyed to me. Not sure if he was joking. What was more unbelievable was that he asked me if I had told my brother about Islam. He surprised that more people did not know about this and commented that our parents are too old and ignorant to comprehend so he was sure that if my brother accepted Islam my family would follow after him as he perceived him to be a leader. I was very perplexed by my cousin’s response and up to date still am. I was in odds with my cousin as I did not agree that my brother was a leader and I even expressed to him that I don’t believe anyone in my family would ever embrace Islam.

I make lots of dua for my family to embrace Islam but apparently my dream and my actions reveal they are being done in vain. I don’t know if I am totally hopeless. All I know is that I can envision nothing in this regard any time soon. I really hope its not because I have not tawakkul(trust in Allah). I don’t know I guess I have to continue working on my heart.

Ahh… Im finally sleepy… yey

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Awkwardness during the "season" and the state of weaklings in our ummah

There is nothing more that I desire right now in this world than for my parents to accept Islam.  Now that the “holiday season” has arrived its very difficult for me to remain hopeful as I see the devotion my whole family puts into the “holidays.” Indeed it’s nice as family gets together and spend time. Why would she ever give that up?

When I became Muslim, I expressed to my mother that I would not partake in the holidays. I would be present obviously but that I would not partake in any aspect of it, no gifts for me or from me to them ( I buy them Eid gifts instead), no decorating, no prayer and no greetings. I would spend time with family Regardless if there was no holiday and I had a “break”.

When holidays come into play, it becomes very awkward for me. This year I thought that I would go to a Islamic seminar in southern California on December 25th. I told my mother about it and she seemed saddened but “understood.”  It broke my heart because she told me that she did not expect me to “participate” but she wanted me to be there to spend time with family. I felt like such a inconsiderate and bad daughter.
I told her that it was convenient for me to go on to this seminar on this day as I really did not want to celebrate Christmas  by being present and that it hurts me to see them worship Jesus as God/son of God.  She chuckled and asked me why would that hurt me as that everyone is entitled to believe what they want. I told her I really did not care for the rest but I cared about her as I don’t want her to die with that belief and go to hell.  She had a look on her face that made me want to beat myself up and claw my eyes out… seriously.  The remained of that night just her and I sat and talked about something else as I changed the topic quickly and then she sat with us (daughters) and watched a movie. The entire time I felt like crap.

There are times that I feel so hopeless but I don’t want to feel hopeless because she is my mother and I love my parents so much. I try my hardest to be the best example as I can.  Alhamdulillah I have mended the relations with my aunts and I try to get closer to them. I sometimes I feel as if they are afraid to say anything to me as I used to get so upset and few times a commotion has arisen from them which is NOT GOOD. I really hope they are not afraid of me as being the fire cracker I used to be. I really hate that about myself. I just cannot stand when people insult Islam. I can stand people insulting me, no problem. My brother as well is very kind to me now.  This time when I went home we all had a family day and watched movies together. It was so nice. I loved it.  Don’t know why they are all so nice to me nowadays… hmmm.

This brings me to another point I wanted to make. Recently I heard a lecture of an imam that said that its “Islamic” and “merciful” to give holiday greeting to non-Muslims especially family because if we expect them to greet us that apparently we should too! I was like “SAY WHAT?!!” I COULD NOT BELIEVE HE JUST SAID THAT. I cannot believe these Muslim clerics go and just give their opinion without looking at the consequences. What the heck does he know?! He apparently is again participating and celebrating “their” holidays but yet he wants us to go around greeting them. Okay?!

SECOND,  I AM IN NO NEED TO COMPROMISE ESPECIALLY MY RELIGION. I DON’T NEED THEIR APPROVAL FOR THE TRUTH! Reminds me of the meccans tried to reach a compromise with our Prophet (sallahu allayhi wa salam). That they would abide by islam if he would abide by their religion.  I guess the imam forgot that IMPORTANT PART that occurred in our Islamic history. Never mind that huh? Not important apparently (sarcasm intended)
THIRD, the most Islamic and merciful thing I can do to my loved ones and family is to invite them to Islam. Why would I “approve” their shirk holidays in order to show how merciful I am?!  That is so ridiculous that I cannot even begin to articulate how unislamic that is.  Tell me how this sounds “HEY MOTHER, HAPPY CHRISTMAS, THE DAY YOUR “LORD” WAS BORN. LETS CELEBRATE. OH BY THE WAY Islam is the truth FYI I invite you to Islam”
FOURTH, why are Muslims so desperate to find any fatwah to make it permissible to celebrate non-Muslim holidays? Do we have no dignity? I say, if a “muslim” really wants to celebrate those holidays, just leave Islam! Then one can do what they want without feeling “bad.” I usually say “it’s better to be a sinning Muslim than not a Muslim at all.” 

We all sin but acknowledging something is is sinful and having  no intentions to abandon it,  how that even being a Muslim (one who submits). If one wants to feel better about a sin there is no Islamic reason to try to justify it.  To some extent that saying holds some significance.

 Trying to make things APPEAR permissible does not take away from the sin. If anything it might even magnify it as it can be shirk and even kufr.  In the process of trying to make things appear acceptable, they misguide other weak Muslims and conclude with having a weak ummah that compromise their religion and bring our destruction that you see today. Clearly this is why we have not attained victory and are the most humiliated of people.

 If one wants to do something just do it. There is no need to try to bend oneself to make it permissible. JUST OWN IT PEOPLE. Just own your wrong and your desires. No need to justify it or make it permissible when it’s not (this is SHIRKH AND KUFR: trying to make things not permissible, permissible). I would be very cautious in making things permissible. Nowadays these “cool,” “all-american” imams want to appease to everyone even compromising Islam and making things permissible that are not and misguiding others. Imagine all the sins they will have upon themselves on the DAY OF JUDGEMENT.

Only and individual that does not believe on the Day of Judgment would dismiss that reality and do such a thing. Only people that believe on the Day of Judgment are merciful!

So owning the sin and just leaving it as it is is better for one than trying to encapsulate it with makrooh or even permissible. So in this instance, “being a sinful Muslim is better than not being a Muslim at all” is what I understand to be true in this case.  I rather just accept the sin and try to repent from it rather than trying to modify things to not make it sinful. Everyone sins its okay but own it and repent y’all.

It really makes no sense when muslims try to justify the celebrating of these holidays. If one has a muslim family, why even celebrate or commorate these holidays? Why even entertain the thought of it? I see absolutely no reason to. The fact that one would want to when they have a Muslim family (not reverts or not alone in their Islam) reveals their weakness of being a follower and the state of their iman. If they were in another country that for example did not celebrate thanksgiving would they celebrate it?

Their argument is that thanksgiving is merely a "custom" (aada) with no religious connotation which is far from reality. In Shariah things are looked upon in terms of reality and not how we want it to appear as. Thanksgiving for example is specific to non-Muslims, so it would fall under the hadith of the prophet (sallahu allayhi wa salam) "The one who imitates a people is from them." Ibn Tayimiyah mentions that imitating them, the kuffa is necessitated by following those things that are specific to them and their culture/history/religion, he says, "Muslims resembling them in their celebrations leads to them (the kuffar) being happy with their falsehood that they are upon"

Ibn Qatum states that congratualting them in their holidays (specific to them) is HARAM by consensus of the ulama. What more proof do you need other than logical Islamic sense? I don't know maybe ISLAM?!

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Being Thankful...for trials

Today I have received great news on the status of a dua request (:D... Its kind of hard to describe but I do not want to disclose it as I want to be sincere about it and I want Allah to grant it for me (must be sincere).  I have been making this same dua since I became muslim and now I feel that its finally unraveling itself. I feel so humbled, ungrateful yet grateful. I dont think I passed the test of patience... feel so horrible because I could have passed the test with flying colors. I loose my patience so much yet Allah is so merciful towards me. I dont know why Allah is blessing me when I am so horrible. But afterall he is the most Merciful so he does this for all his servants... shoooot... he is so merciful even to the Kufar and Mushrik (those that reject him and those who practice shirk) when they call in "the name of Jesus Christ." Allah is so merciful that he' does not destroy them right away and even grants them many blessings of wealth so they can atleast have some ease temporarily as they wont have it in the hereafter as he is also Just.

I never thank Allah for his blessings. I can not recall when I thanked Allah for my legs, my sight, my hair, my hands, my teeth, my skin, my health. All I do is complain to myself  my own situation and even have the audacity to consider my life "hard." OH MY GOD... so ridiculous. I got it good Alhamdulillah. Recent college graduate, I have a great job and awesome tolerant co-workers (yup thats a blessing). I have a roof and a bed and I can eat whatever I wish. I could actually afford it. I can go to sleep in peace without worry of anything (eventhough I do have sleeplessness nights because I worry about stupid stuff). May Allah guide  me.

I tend to feel bitter about things for a long time especially when people have "done" me wrong...  Yesterday I emailed someone who I was made aware was ill. I thought it was a great opportunity FOR MYSELF to clean and soften my heart. Sure I wanted to show that person that I "cared." Well I sorta do because afterall they are believer and they have a family... I dont plan on receiving any reply. I have many assumptions of why they would which I presume are all correct but then again I am only assuming. Initially, I kept checking my email hoping to receive a reply but then I realized that if I want it to be sincere I should not expect reciprocation or validation. I feel that my heart was clean and I don't feel bitter towards that individual anymore. I dont want to hold them accountable for anything nor do i want them to have to answer to it on the Day of Judgment.

This brings me to another issue that I think is so important... COMMUNITY... where is the brother-hood and sister-hood? I will confess that my 'sisterhood enthusiasm' has died and therefore I should not expect otherwise either or be surprised why it has "died."

 I have learned a lot lately about this. Something really horrible happened to me this year and no one was there to help me. My rights were trampled on, and only a few realized it but only help came my way when I requested it whole heartily  and was persistent.  "I say that no one will be able to take your rights if you know your rights" which is why it is so important for MUSLIM WOMEN especially to learn their Deen as much as possible. Anyways so things got awkward when somehow I am supposed to feel indebted to these individuals who "helped" me because they went "out of their ways" when in reality it is their obligations as Muslims to help others in distress especially when they see someone having their rights taken away. Nevertheless I have gratitude towards them for the sake of Allah because one who does not show gratitude to the people does not show gratitude to Allah. Mind you! I have no Wali or anyone to stand up for me but myself so I guess its only necessary for me to be very grateful right?

I was very bitter for a long time and I actually stayed away from the masjid and from people (muslims) until recently. Even my Mother inquried me about the  masjid as she had "noticed"I did not talk about it anymore. What made me more upset is that my family got to experience the "pearl" that is the Muslim Community. Such great Dawah right? (sarcastically) After that I was sure they had no desire to even know about Islam Alhamdulilah that was not the case.

I lost hope in Muslims and even my Iman suffered. I did not want to be associated with Muslims at all which I think prompted my whole inner hijab drama I had (May Allah forgive me for my thoughts). I have come a long ways to forgive all those involved and to make dua to Allah to forgive and guide them (To guide me first). I dont think the people get it and I dont think they will ever get it. I don't want to act like a victim as I dont want to be a victim of anything. I shall only be a victim of my ownself.

Sometimes I cry remembering how I was humiliated and mocked at and how I felt so powerless and desperate. Then it reminds me of how I should prepare for the day of Judgment... Guess its good practice. I hope Allah purified me through such a trial and I continue to be purified as I clean my heart Ameen.  I was made stupid promises like to make mockery out of me. I will succeed BI'ITHNILLAH and I have those people as examples of exactly what I don't want my life to be like.

Islam for me is more than just a mere label or a canon. I dont want to live a life where everything revolves around my kitchen and what I can do to please a husband that works hard to earn more dunya... seriously I don't want that. I want a husband that knows that he is my companion in this world and that he and I will assist each other to righteousness, to revive the sunnah of Muhammad (sallahu allayhi wa salam) in our home and compete with one another in goodness. I want my children to have a zeal to learn Islam and also want to compete with us for Jannah. I want them to love the Qur'an, to love Rasulullah  (sallahu allayhi wa salam) and his companions INSHA'ALLAH!. I want so much... and its so easy and FREE. All this is free! Allahu Akbar! Why do I want from this dunya then if not this? What is possibly better than this?

 I sometimes envision a time in which my children (insha'Allah) one day love will fight between each other to please me by reciting Qur'an. That they will fight amongst each other of who knows more Qur'an and knows more about a certain companion of Rasulullah (sallahu allayhi wa salam). I can't wait for all this. I want them to be my investment to Jannah. I want my family to be the one who race to helpe the helpless and the weak. That they only derive courage, honor and strength from Islam. None of this fruity stuff of wanting my children to be singers, actors, musicians.. ya Allah some people (muslims) actually wish this for their children. How disgraceful. I want my children to establish salah and always fear that they are not grateful enough to their Lord. I want my children to love to learn and in everything see the signs of Allah.

I can envision all this because I have seen this in my nieces and nephews who are so young and not muslim. They are so eager to learn. so eager to comply which is so extraordinary for kids that young to feel any inclination towards religion. My nephew still until this day speaks on  my behalf to his other cousins on why I wear hijab and why I pray the way I do and the many times I do. I remember listening to his reply to his little cousin who inquired him why. It was the cutest thing ever and for me a sign from Allah that indeed we all have that fitrah. I don't remember what exactly he had told her but he taken back almost in awe of her question like a little adult.  

 I have so much I want to do and I thank Allah for my trials because they have humbled me. 

Monday, November 14, 2011

I can't believe...

Sometimes I can't believe that I am a muslim! Like OH MY GOD I'M A MUSLIM. Like I can not believe that I know Allah and his last messenger (sallahu allayhi wa salam)... that I know Islam... 

I can't believe I have taken such a journey already in my young life. I can't believe others dont know about Islam. I can't believe others don't want to believe and others just dont believe. I am just in awe sometimes of this reality... of MY reality. I feel as if I am a dream.

My whole life has changed drastically. From the way I think, eat, my hygiene, my dress, the way I talk, my mannerisms, to even how I love (my family, friends, and humanity...etc). And in all these things there are blessings and rewards. 

What kind of religion rewards you for every step you take towards good? What kind of religion rewards you for your good intentions and rewards you for having a bad intention but not exercising it? Then when we recite Qur'an we are rewarded for each letter not word we recite. ALLAHU AKBAR! (God is Great!)  I have learned so much with so much ease that I can not remember having hardship. Alhamdulillah... indeed my Lord is merciful and we are so ungrateful. 

Narrated Anas: (The people of) Bani Salama intended to shift near the mosque (of the Prophet) but Allah's Apostle disliked to see Medina vacated and said, "O the people of Bani Salama! Don't you think that you will be rewarded for your footsteps which you take towards the mosque?" So, they stayed at their old places. -Sahih Bukhari
“Whoever reads a letter from the Book of Allah, he will have a reward. And that reward will be multiplied by ten. I am not saying that “Alif, Laam, Meem” is a letter, rather I am saying that “Alif” is a letter, “laam” is a letter and “meem” is a letter.” So increase your recitation of the Qur’an to gain these merits, and to gain the following merit as well. At-Tirmidi 

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Do you love Allah and his Messenger??

Shaykh Al-Islaam Ibn Taymiyyah, may Allah have mercy upon him, said: "Loving Allaah and His Messenger (sallahu allayhi wa salam) is the greatest action that faith obligates, it is the greatest tenet of faith itself and the most glorified fundamental of it. Indeed loving Allah and his Messenger is the foundation for all deeds".

In sync with my prior post about loving the prophet (sallahu allayhi wa salam) I wanted to share this awesome video that is heart wrenching. 

Shaqeeq Ibn Ibraaheem, may Allaah have mercy upon him, said that Ibraaheem Ibn Adham. may Allah have mercy upon him, passed by one of the markets of Basrah, so the people of the market gathered around him and asked: "O Aboo Is-haaq! Allah says in the Qur’aan (that which translates as): “Call upon me, I will respond to you.” (Ghaafir: 60) and we have been supplicating for a long time but Allaah has not responded to us." He, may Allah have mercy upon him, replied: "O people of Basrah! Your hearts have died due to the following reasons:

o       You know Allaah but you do not fulfil His rights.
o       You recite the Qur'aan but you do not act in accordance to it.
o       You claim to love the Prophet sallallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam but have abandoned his Sunnah.
o       You claim enmity against Satan but have taken him as a guide.
o       You claim to love Paradise but are not working to attain it.
o       You claim to fear Hell but have made yourselves hostages to it.
o       You keep yourselves busy with analysing the faults of others and are neglecting your own.
o       You eat from the bounties of your Lord but never thank Him for it.
o       You bury your dead but never learn any lessons from their death."

So we should ask ourselves if we truly love Allah and his messenger would the above apply to us? 

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Yogurt and Honey

These past days I have been indulging in plain yogurt with honey and almonds... Subhana'Allah! its so delicious! Unfortunately, I have a palate that is very hard to please but I have taken delight in this simple desert of mine. I wish I was modest and easy to please as I feel horrible that while people starve, I have the luxury to be "picky" about my food ya Allah what a trial for me.  

So whats my point? Well...I like to eat foods that the prophet Sallahu Allayhi wa salam liked. When I discover that I love something that perhaps our beloved Prophet (sallahu allayhi wa salam) loved, it makes me very happy. I like to envision what I am eating at one point Rasulullah (sallahu allayhi wa salam) also ate and makes me feel closer to Rasulullah! Since I have been indulging in yogurt a lot lately I wanted to see if there was any connection to the sunnah of Muhammad (sallahu allahyi wa salam)and I recalled many accounts in which he ate "dried" yogurt (??) but I am not sure how that was… I will share some hadith that talk about yogurt and honey. 
Narrated Anas: The Prophet stayed for three days at a place between Khaibar and Medina, and there he consummated his marriage with Safiyya bint Huyay. I invited the Muslims to a banquet which included neither meat nor bread. The Prophet ordered for the leather dining sheets to be spread, and then dates, dried yogurt and butter were provided over it, and that was the Walima (banquet) of the Prophet.
 Narrated Said bin Jubair: Ibn Abbas said: Um Hufaid, Ibn 'Abbas's aunt sent some dried yogurt (butter free), ghee (butter) and a mastigar to the Prophet as a gift. The Prophet ate the dried yogurt and butter but left the mastigar because he disliked it. Ibn 'Abbas said, "The mastigar was eaten at the table of Allah's Apostle and if it had been illegal to eat, it could not have been eaten at the table of Allah's Apostle." 
 Narrated 'Aisha: Allah's Apostle used to love sweet edible things and honey. 
I always try to increase my love for the Prophet as much as I can and somehow my love for him  increases without having to intend to. The more I learn about him, the more I love him.

I find amazing how I love someone so much that I have never met. At the same time my love for him is so great that I feel its not enough. If indeed I loved him I would obey and follow him more but I do not. I dont feel like this for anyone in this world even with whom I love the most in this world, my mother. I never think whether I love for my mother enough. I know I love her I only try to treat her as best as I can but I never question my love. I always know I do. 

May I attain the sweetness of faith not of mere yogurt and honey. May Allah guide me and increase our love for Rasulullah (sallahu allayhi wa salam). Ameen.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Success is in Islam

 Every time I sin, I feel that its only a matter of time before Allah disgrace and exposes me. I feel the weight of it linger over my consciousness. Every time I sin, I realize that its its a sign that my heart is becoming sealed and I wonder how much more is there until its completely sealed.  Every time I am not disturbed by shamelessness I know that the end of times is near and I am of those that will be most susceptible to the fitnah of the end of times.

When reading and listening about the stories of the end of times sometimes one wants to believe that they  will from those that will hold on to their Deen and so far I have not convinced myself that I will be of those. The worst of all feelings is that I feel like a hypocrite. what erks me the most about myself is that I started off with a blank canvas (free of sins when I accepted Islam) and now I have mountains of sins... ya Allah. I had an advantage and now I am behind... WAY BEHIND in my Marathon to Jannah (my analogy).

I was thinking of putting a sign on my wall to remind me that I am a hypocrite because I felt so angry at myself. Sounds kinda psychotic but I dont know nothing else to remind and discipline myself. The closer I feel I am getting to Allah the worse I fall. Its the weirdest thing ever. I could be reading Qur'an in the night, fasting, praying nafl and sunnah and being "extra" modest and bang... I SIN after all those good deeds as if they were done out of vain.

My attitude towards myself soon after is "what the heck i already destroyed myself already the heck with everything." I treat my soul like I treat my diet. For example, If I eat a chocolate (mess up my diet), I feel I might as well just make it my FAT DAY and lately I've been having these many converted fat days because I have no discipline...

My overall discipline affects my actions even my ibadah (worship) so it makes sense that Islam is a way of life. Good muslim will have good sleeping habits, be a good student, productive, healthy and fit individual and successful in all they do because Islam is about Ihsan.

I have prohibited myself from watching movies now. I dont care to watch dumb stuff that makes me waste my time when I could be learning something new and being productive and achieving my life long goals. My little sister is so awesome. she as well has prohibited herself facebook.... I could have been a hafiza by now with all the time I invest doing nothing. I could die now and I die a disgrace. Goodbye TV... goodbye mindless crap stuff...  I have reached the point where I can say that this is not an extreme decision. I would have not thought so before but it would have been more difficult but not anymore. I am tired of wasting my time and only distracting myself which only makes sinning easier.

I am excited... VERY EXCITED to see how much my life will change from now on. I ask that Allah guides me and guides those who sincerely want to become closer to Allah. Ameen!

My Best Friend.

Today I shall embark on my journey with my best friend, the Qur'an. I feel so humbled and so excited... I have been working on my Arabic because my reading is horrible. I struggle so much with it. The Qur'an that I own has very small Arabic script on it which is difficult to read so a friend gave me my first Mushaf this weekend...

I can't even believe it! I wanted to buy one for some time but they were always not the size I wanted or too expensive or it had other stuff I did not want. I just wanted a simple Mushaf and subahan'Allah I could have not asked for one better than the one I was given. I could not wait to get my hands on it...

I feel so humbled I want to cry. I feel like a hypocrite. If I indeed worked as hard as I do with other things I would be a better Muslim and would have memorized more Qur'an...perhaps the whole qur'an by now!! ( anything is possible yeah....*_*)... but I chose not to... my "reason" was that I don't want to memorize the Qur'an using transliteration and wanted to get started on my Arabic as soon as possible which obviously seems not to be my priority. * feeling like a hypocrite*

I hate feeling categorized under those that are strangers to the Qur'an. One of the first things that made me realize I wanted to be a Muslim was that I did not want to be classified as a hypocrite or a disbeliever that the Qur'an describes. I felt I had worked so hard to be a "good person" and considered myself to be a believer that I did not see the rationale to keep on my failed pathway towards "goodness" which was not Islam. How did I know my prior pathway was not leading me to goodness? Well because I found a better one which was Islam. Only an idiot after seeing something better would opt for something besides the best. I always liked the best things thats how I "roll"  so Alhamdulillah!   

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

My Reminder

Subhana’Allah! Today I listened to an awesome lecture about haya. I have written before about the relationship between haya and Iman which, is so odd because for some reason I forgot about that concept when I had my recent “hijab issue.” I was not having doubts about my hijab or felt like taking off was only feeling saddened and disillusioned about it. I asked Allah to guide me and truly he has sent me more signs that I initally opted for. Feel like a failure and horrible but subhana’Allah the more I reflect on my hijab the more I adore it. We all need reminders and truly when it comes to Islam we will never be disappointed.
One of the ways that Allah perishes a slave is by removing their haya.  There is this really awesome  quote that this subject reminds me of:
On the authority of Abu Masud Uqbah bin Amir Al-Ansari ( Radi Allahu Anhu) who said :The Messenger of Allah (sallahu Allayhi wa salam) said: From the words of the previous prophets that the people still find are: If you have no shame, then do as you wish –Sahih Al-Bukhari
Although hijab is one article it’s a component that completes haya. If I ever hope to come closer to Allah I cannot neglect or overlook “one piece” of the whole “puzzle.”  I want to come closer to Allah and I want to be a grateful slave. I am grateful for all my blessings and I shall not sin against the one who has bestowed me with numerous blessings that I cannot count. 

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Week Reflection: To soften my heart and the Power of Dua :)

Yesterday, I went for Isha at the masjid after a long time of not going. I think in totality I have probably only gone about 6 times since summer this year because of a recent incident that occurred that I have been deeply hurt by. As I have been expressing I have grown very disillusioned at my community and at our ummah. I have witnessed horrible things. I know I can not equate Islam to muslims but when we have muslims who know the truth and have been guided yet neglect and take their Deen (religion-faith) for granted, the deep sorrow turns into hopelessness. Reminds me of this quote:  
'Umar bin al-Khattaab: This religion will be destroyed when people who never experienced Jaahiliyyah will apear (i.e. born Muslims, taking Islam for granted). [Tabaqaat 129/6]
The worst is witnessing daily Muslims neglect prayer. I cannot even express how that feels… it’s like witnessing a crime right in front of me and I cannot do nothing but just watch… I feel like an accomplice and the worst of all it’s against Allah. I feel angry and at the same time I feel so despondent. I have been writing a lot in order to eject any feelings that I can not register which have been bothering me. At first I was not able to express why it bothered me and why it made my heart feel dead and so I just talked about other stuff that I thought was what bothered me. I fear that my heart will become dead and that I will live in absolute ignorance and in bliss of my misfortune (true failure- losing one’s aakirah).  Then we wonder why we (Muslims) are the most disgraced and humiliated people right now… We might think it’s a trial but it most likely its a punishment or perhaps the doing of our own selves. We did this to ourselves [59:19].

We all sin we all make mistakes and I am far from being credentialed to even discuss this when I myself should fear being humiliated by own sins however, I know what is right from wrong as do other Muslims. I pray to Allah that he never seals my heart.
Recently I have been struggling to to feel love for this one individual in particular who is neglectful of salah.  I have tried but after a long time of making duaa I have decided I will continue even if I may feel discouraged at times and awkward. If I don’t feel love for them then what hopes do I have for having love for my other brothers and sister in faith and humanity? So yesterday I invited this individual to go to Isha with me and I probably needed it more than she did. Our outing  softened my heart as I seen this person truly want to become closer but did not know how and because of it did not know how to feel it in their heart.  It’s worth noting that this individual comes from a community that is “active” in dawah and they are also very active. I wonder why Allah placed me with this individual for me to see the sad reality that exist amongst our “reglious” community. I swear by Allah it pains me so much.  It makes me feel pity. I hold a lot of things responsible. Muslims are not doing their job. Parents are not doing their jobs…community is not doing the job. They are not teaching Islam they are just teaching routine/tradition/culture not Islam (submittance).  I felt so horrible! I had invited her at maghrib to pray isha with me at the masjid that way she would “prepare” herself for salah in case she was not. I went out and returned for her to notice she had used her prayer rug and probably prayed Maghrib. She was ready and dressed to go to the masjid. Apparently she looked forward to it. I wanted to cry so much! I wanted to hug her and tell her that Allah loves her and that he will love her even more. After isha there was a small khatirah and it was about renewing our Islam  and having love between our brothers and sisters in Islam Subhana’Allah. I want to soften my heart and not be of those type of indivudals who just rant about how someone is haram and instead find the love and mercy within me to want the best for them and go out of my way to guide them through other means besides my words. I want to liven the sunnah not just with my tongue but by my heart. May Allah make it easy for me.
"Sit with those whose actions speak to you, not with those whose utterances address you." -Hasan al-Basri 
Lately, my dua have not been that strong as my iman has been very low. One of my duas that I used to always do was for this newly convert sister who seemed a bit eccentric (gothic-anime) and I feared she would have difficulty keeping her Islam so I always kept her in mind. The sister later disclosed and inquired me about Islam’s position on homosexuality and sex change. After she learned it was not “acceptable” She began to bash Islam in public saying that the Qur’an has contradictions and etc. So I wrote her a letter and then blocked her out completely. I made one last dua for her and that was all out of anger. May Allah forgive and guide me.  Despite that I have not made much dua as of lately as I don’t feel my heart in them. I dont make dua for the sake of making dua but its better than nothing and certainly a good habit I should not desist in doing but I feel that I am not worthy or even in the state to have my duas answered.  This quote below from Umar Al-Khattab (radi Allahu Anhu) totally summarizes how I feel but I am totally not attaing the hikmah behind it and continue to make dua regardless as even desisting from making dua is a indication that my heart is hardening and I am misguiding myself.

“I am not worried about whether my du’a will be responded to, but rather I am worrried about whether I will be able to make du’a or not. So if I have been guided by Allah to make du’a, then (I know) that the response will come with it”  -Umar Al-Khattab (RA)


The last I heard was that the revert girl was a kafir and so forth. On Friday I saw her wearing hijab! She was with her girlfriend still but hey… she still believes in Islam! I don’t know what it could be but surely this is a sign for me. A sign for me to come back to Allah!  On Thursday I missed my GRE exam as the proctor did not allow me due to having my ID expired and did not want to accept my school ID. It cost me $160 and took me 3 hours to get there and all for nothing. I cried and begged her but she did not allow me. I was an emotional wreck… When I called my mother to let her know of the knews subhana’Allah my mother reminded me of the Qadr of Allah… and she is not even muslim. The amazing thing is not just that she told me that she wished my siblings were muslim when I told her how safe I felt with my hijab while talking public transportation while the assumption is that it makes one a “target” for harassment.  She also randomly asked me if I have been going to the masjid. I guess she has noticed that I dont talk much of my outings to it as I really have not been going (FAIL). Maybe If I would have taken the exam I would have failed miserably and really lost $160 and not been able to take the exam in time to apply to grad school (takes 2 months after the first tone to retake it). Maybe it was a dua that protected me and it took for that proctor lady to be extra mean to prevent me from failing. Ya Allah, what a week of reflection.  Allah has indeed given me signs to prove to me he does hear me. I have hope again and I feel like crap for not having some.

The time for hajj  is approaching and it makes me so sad about another year of knowing I will not make hajj. Obviously I can’t since I have no mahram and I know I can’t but I always feel so sad. My heart longs for it as if it were a land that I knew before and loved. Amazing how Islam can change one’s heart and make one hate or love certain things for the sake of Islam. I actually feel the longing in my heart. I long to meet my lord and I long to get closer to my Lord in any way! Uggh! I am such a sinner and feel stupid for even destroying that chances of achieving such (by sinning).

Anyways I shall continue my dua and forget all the negativity and continue to get closer to my lord despite the crap that discourages me… I need to continue studying my GRE (it aint going to study itself) I FEEL RELEIVED now… love to reflect and write it out. I hope it benefits others as it does to me. 

Monday, October 10, 2011

What the heart entails

Insha'allah I marry one day. Sometimes I feel doubtful as I don’t necessarily know how to go about it or do I feel I have the energy to. I believe the mere fact I am a convert makes it that much more challenging. Many would be of the opinion it’s otherwise but that is as a result that many reverts come into Islam from a prior illicit relationship (Sorry to say it so bluntly.)  Other times it’s because some brothers go for the “revert” sisters because they like the idea that they can manipulate and sway her as they desire and especially overlook her rights. I am not sure if revert brothers have an issue but if there is most likely its family rather than from the part of the girl.  Frankly, I am not easily amused. In addition, I am not easily fooled or at least I like to think that I am not. Even if I was naïve, if I follow the Islamic guidelines  I can rest assure that Allah will protect me if I don’t have anyone to do so REGARDLESS  if I have a “wali( guardian).”

The purest love that exists is the love of Allah (to love someone for the sake of Allah.) If one loves someone for the sake of just loving them it has not substance and is selfish and transient. I think loving someone because they are one’s spouse and one’s sees them as a blessing from Allah is far more beautiful and “romantic” than what we are constantly bombarded by in this society.

I feel so disillusioned about Muslim men that it makes marriage daunting for me. I would love to find my companion but I really have no idea how that will happen. I have come across men that are “allegedly” religious and when you really delve more you learn that they place honor in other things besides submittance to Allah. It could be nationality, family affairs, class, physical attributes, language and to make matters worse try to belittle others who are not of their “caliber.” Then are those that seem “deeny” but are as superficial as the jersey shore cast. You can bet they have semi-naked female friends (especially non-Muslim females) on their facebook. If they do run away! Not to mention there is no reason to befriend the opposite gender.

 Nothing is more unattractive than a man trying to hit on a sister online and pretend he is trying to make “dawah” … yeah right! They constantly engage in talking to sisters online… so unattractive and weird!

Which brings me to my other point, how someone who loves Islam could love someone that does not love Islam. I firmly believe that what one chooses as their spouse speaks volumes of what their heart entails. If one loves Islam one will see that love in their spouse. If a man does not even care to learn whether the girl he is “interested” in prays, obviously there is a flaw in his own deen as he does not even consider that imperative enough in life to have that as a pre-requisite for a wife. How can someone find beauty in that? I don’t understand.

Because I don’t have a “Wali”… oh wait I do… -_- In reality no one cares or will watch out for your rights more than your own father but I don’t have a Muslim father therefore Allah will be my Wali. I used to feel so saddened about this but then I realize that if Allah guided me and knew I would have to face this alone he would not abandon me and would protect me. Alhamdulillah I have avoided really bad situations! Allah knows what my heart entails and what I most desire. Truthfully, I don’t romanticize marriage never have been that type. I am just trying to implement my Islam as best as I could. The older and more independent I become (from parents etc) the more susceptible to a lot of the diseases of this society and be hazardous to my iman as I had expressed earlier about how my hijab is threatened. Islam is practical but society says its not… but when you are alone others try to convince you otherwise. I want to have a Muslim family. I have always spent my Eid’s and Ramadan alone. Only for once when my mother would wake me up for suhoor and make me something to eat. What a blessing it must be to celebrate and worship together as a family… I really yearn for that. All I look forward to Eids is the blessings of it and buying my family gifts in hopes they also look forward to it and Islam does not become so estranged in order to soften their hearts (gift giving soften hearts) and be a source of dawah to them. Maybe Allah will grant me both one day but until then I hope that my heart remains steadfast in this deen and what I am blessed with is what my heart entails.


Alhamdulillah I am a muslim and I pray that Allah grants me a long life of obedience to him (Ameen) and I depart this earth as a muslim, however, my family is not Muslim. Sometimes I feel so depressed about it that lose hope and feel as if there is no need to make dua for them but I have never ceased to do so regardless if I don’t feel anything in my heart. I sometimes try to visualize how it can work for them. I am sure they would be ostracized by the community and their families as I have been but I still tag along I don’t care I just THINK they would be able to handle that. I have even came close to telling them to accept Islam and they could continue to do what they want. My priority is that they become Muslim first. Being a Muslim is better than being a sinning Muslim, that's how i try to make sense of things in this world where no one gives a hoots about anything but instant gratification. I figure that if they accept it, slowly iman will build. People don’t realize or I guess some Muslims that to accept Islam does not necessarily signify that one has faith yet. It takes time for Iman (faith) to infuse the heart. Everything becomes easier to do when you have faith. Salah is not a burden and something like pork that was not unusual before to consume becomes repugnant even the mere thought of it and the smell. Even the thought of being without hijab and in tight "revealing" clothes justify a panic attack.

I want my parents to be Muslim and I dont know how to exactly to make "dawah" to them without driving them away. Reasonably, I try to be the best Muslim and daughter I can be and never compromise my faith because I know they watch and test me. I think they do it unintentionally and try to validate my "religion" by measuring my conviction if I compromise. As a result I try to be very cautious. I also try to not to be shy about Islam although I feel awkward to bring it as it can become very tense. Before, I would not tolerate if someone talked about Muslims or islam in any negative or incorrect way and would become very emotional about it too. My parents have always had to mediate which I noticed began to strain their kinship with some family members. My mother advised me to be as tolerant as possible to show otherwise of what is claimed about my religion however she is adamant on me not having to feel that I have to please them by feeling I don’t have a choice. Once, one of my aunts was trying to humiliate me for praying and how I prayed and my mother told me later about it. I was unaware and but I had suspected it as I heard them and seen them walk into the room I guess thinking to find me there still praying but Alhamdulillah I was done by then. She was crying and told me in front of my father as my father “advised” me to just pray at home not in other peoples home “to pray where ever the heck I want to and when I want to and where I want to.” My mother knows more about Islam so she knew that I have to pray in specified times. It made me so happy yet so sad. I feel sad because they feel sad for me. I know they feel sad to see me have to deal with so much crap and I know they feel sad about the way I dress. My mom knows about how I also have to deal with crap from the muslim community. Since becoming Muslim I feel as I have become so aware of how horrible this world really is and makes me feel so thankful I am muslim and at the same time so disillusioned. I told an acquaintance two days ago how I sometimes I wish I knew no muslim but that’s really horrible to say. I regret saying that to her, who is a Muslim and I have great Muslim gal friends whom I love. I just felt so frustrated at the moment.

For me dawah is not about proselytizing. I hated it before I was Muslim and I hate now. Dawah is supposed to be this which is summarized in this quote by Hasan Al-Basri,

Sit with those whose actions speak to you, not with those whose utterances address you."

I am a Muslim because I believe Allah is the only one worthy of worship therefore as an effect of this conviction its only expected that I believe others should worship him too. In addition, I believe that the best thing in this world is Islam and if I love someone and want the best for them, I wish them Islam. I don’t try to convert others because I want a “bigger team” to brag about. It really annoys me when some Muslims make reference about how 1 in 4 humans are muslim and bla bla bla… WHO CARES?! Seriously! I will care when they practice Islam. So basically I am not into this, sit down with my parents and make dawah thing.
Dawah is not one-dimensional!… whats up with the pamplets? I am not going to give my parents a book or pamphlet about Islam. Why should they feel any need to read that stuff?  I have to inspire them by allowing to see the change in me. This applies to everything. If want others to see the beauty of Islam we have to show it. We can give information but rarely do reverts come into Islam because of a pamphlet... something else inspires them to take that plunge and be interested. 

I don’t understand why there is so much emphasis to make so much dawah to non-muslims when some muslims dislike one another in their communities. Honestly, I used to love my community until I realized how it all works. Everyone talks crap about one another and envies one another. How we trust one who does not love the best for their muslim brother and sister to love the best for non-muslims? The more I think about why they do I cringe at the reality of why that would be… its hypocrisy and total convenience. Its looks better to be the majority. If this was not the case they would not fight and bicker between each other. For that reason I am have taken a break and insha’allah will resume to being an active community member for the sake of Allah and for the future of our community, our ummah!

Many Muslims, upon learning I am the only muslim in my family somehow assume I have not made dawah to them or that I don’t care otherwise they would be muslim. They ask me, “Have you made dawah to them?”
“Yes,” I reply
“How? do you talk to them about islam?”
“sort of, but yeah I have…”
“what do you say to them?”
“umm well I don’t do it directly, Its difficult to say, it just does not work that way”

I love my parents and it hurts me so much that they are not Muslim. They are getting older and are past 60 now. I learned today that my father has been throwing up blood for some time. I felt so angry and I don’t know why. Trials will never end. Just when one thinks they are done with one a set others come our way. I have tried to “visualize” in order to mentally emotionally, and spiritually prepare myself for a tragedy ( a future trial) such as one of my parent's or siblings death. The way I rationalize it is that if they don’t accept Islam it is perhaps because Allah foresaw that they had arrogance in their hearts and therefore sealed their hearts and they died in such a state. Another way is that I reassure myself that in Jannah there is no pain or sadness and that it wont affect me then. I just don’t know how to deal with it now. I know it’s horrible to envision such things but it’s a reality that many don’t realize. Its such a blessing to have Muslim parents. If my parents die as kafirs, I can’t make dua for them and perhaps can’t even go to their funeral or not even tolerate it if I could. Can you imagine how painful it would be for me to attend their funerals in which a priest is throwing “holy” water at their coffins and reciting prayers of shirk (disbelief)?! Thats like adding salt to my wounds. I think I would just collapse and die of pain right there and then. I really just don’t know how to make dawah to them… or I guess I just don’t know when Islam will come into their hearts! I hope that even if I never know whats in their hearts that hopefully because Allah has mercy on them and allows islam to enter their hearts even if it maybe their last breath. 

Friday, October 7, 2011

To truly surrender: My Hijab

There are things that I don’t necessarily like but I love them because I know they were prescribed as a mercy from my most Beloved, Allah. One of the things I dislike but love ( my paradox -_-) is my hijab.  I have been wearing it for four years since I became Muslim. I never liked it or loved how I looked in it but because I then again am not necessarily supposed to like how I look in order to wear it. If I don’t like it does not signify I should not wear it. If it its hot I does not mean I should take it off.  I can make so many excuses and believe me I do but at the end I can never find any real justification.

 I am at the apogee of my beauty, early twenties and I have never shown it… makes me sad sometimes and I feel like hypocrite but I have accepted that its okay. I am a woman we naturally like to adorn ourselves that’s our nature. Then I realize that this is my real trial for hijab to prove to myself that indeed my hijab is for Allah. If it’s easy what’s the point right? Then I think if I would be capable of taking it off and I cannot envision myself strolling down the sidewalk with my hair flowing with a  cute “exposing” outfit. Uggh feel so humiliated just thinking about it. Does not mean I don’t like looking cute or would not be able to ever. I just wear what I like at home with my family and my female friends.

Wearing Hijab is so humbling. It conditions my heart. I felt so sad and so disillusioned about so many things that were occurring and then these thoughts about hijab which I rarely have, creeped in my mind and I began having thoughts of taking off.  When I think about why I take it off the only real reason is because I want to show off my beauty. I like the thought of not having to care and just walking out the door looking pretty. With hijab, I know I don’t look  attractive and so I don’t expect anything or to find love (LOL). I know someone will always look better than me and for a woman this feels kind crappy.I remember feeling this a while back at my cousin's wedding. At my cousins wedding everyone looked so pretty except me. All my females cousins wore beautiful dresses and I watched them danced and have fun. I was the only "young-person" sitting down with a veil on my head. I basically felt like a nun and miserable. I cried that day but the thought of taking off hijab did not come to mind until now.

When I envision myself without hijab I feel exposed and humiliated and I think of how arrogant I would be not because of exposing my beauty but on how I would publicly show my disobedience to Allah as if somehow boasting. how dreadful. That’s not who I want to be. I want people to know that in my heart there is something greater and dearer, Islam. My hijab is a manifestation of what I have in MY  HEART. maybe its not for every hijabi there but it is for me and that's what matters!  How would anyone know I am a Muslim If I did not tell them so? If I wear hijab what credibility do I have if I say Islam does not oppress women and is just?! NOTHING whatsoever!  its as good as being rejecting Islam in my affairs. 

In addition, I don’t think I would be capable to do it because I love Islam too much to demonstrate to others, ESPECIALLY my parents how little my faith means for me. I don’t want them to think it’s a phase and as a result took off my hijab. I think my parents would be shocked and be a little disheartened. They know that Islam means a lot to me and because of that they try their best to learn more. They know a lot about Islam and sometimes try to soothe me when I am depressed over "DSMD (dumb stuff muslims do)" They are so accommodating and so tolerant Alhamdulillah.  I am their only source of hidaya (guidance) and dawah (invitation) so I have to be the exemplar . why would I disappoint them? They watch me very closely and therefore have a lot to lose by taking off my hijab.

I love this ayah [66:6] 
O you who have believed, protect yourselves and your families from a Fire whose fuel is people and stones, over which are [appointed] angels, harsh and severe; they do not disobey Allah in what He commands them but do what they are commanded.

If I love them, I love the best for them and the best for them is Islam.  If I display myself as if I don’t care about Islam why should they? I never gave the thought of taking off my hijab but just recently I learned of a girl who wears hijab, eats pork, does not pray, has a boyfriend and who knows what else… (May Allah guide her, Ameen!! ) and it made me feel so disillusioned and broken hearted. Made me see hijab is nothing but a figment but I have been doing much dialogue with myself and have pumped myself up for this trial of mine. I shall overcome it bi'ithnillah! (By Allah's permission) and I know that whatever it is, my hijab will forever be mine. Hijab even as little as I made it out to be is greater than what I believe it to be. It is proving to be my test of my submission to Allah! Who would have thought I, the "hijab regulator" would be thinking this. ya Allah! May Allah see my endeavors and make it easy for me to please him Ameen.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Death and Honor

I was debating whether to rant today on my feelings on the big news about Steve Jobs’s death and the reactions towards it and apparently decided I would. So I will commence this post with this quote from Umar Al-Khattab (radi Allahu anhu).

"We were the lowest of all people and then Allah gave us glory by Islam, and if we seek glory in anything other than what Allah has given us (Islam), Allah will disgrace us."

I received the news of Steve Jobs death at work yesterday. A while back I had read about his fight with pancreatic cancer and then this summer read about his resign from his position as CEO of APPLE. Everyone tried to link it with his cancer but since Steve Jobs was so reserved it was not confirmed if indeed that was the reason why he did that and so it remained a mystery until now. I guess it “all” makes “sense” now.

When I learned of his death it felt so surreal yet so real. It was so weird reading about his disease and then as simple as that he was dead! Death is so real yet everywhere we look, we live in denial of it. I felt so melancholic the whole day. I was not a fan of Steve Jobs or even apple. I only own an iPod so yeah that’s as much as my affinity for APPLE goes.

It made me wonder about my own death. While I counted thrips (yeah I count insects at work) and extracted DNA from plant tissue, I kept thinking about one day I will die. How my body will just be there stiff and lifeless. I wonder how I will be buried. Will I be buried in a muslim cemetery or not?  I wondered how old I would be and how I would die. Would I be killed, would I die of a “natural cause?” Dear Lord I hope I don’t die as a Kafir!

 I also wondered if my parents will die before me. I don’t know how I will handle it and sometimes I hope they survive me. I think I would collapse and die just thinking of what awaits them if I never witness their embrace of Islam. I pray Allah has mercy on them and guides them before death visits them.

Not to mention that the coworker whom told me of the news is a kafir. Not just non-Muslim, I mean like a straight up kafir (he rejected Islam) like he was Muslim, grew up "Muslim" and now he is an atheist raising atheist children (none of my business but worth mentioning I guess....) He sat there quietly after he told everyone and somehow I was hopeful that he was having some type of Islamic epiphany. Yeah, no he was not!  All he said was "aww poor guy." I was thinking "WHAT THE HECK?! poor guy?! yeah POOR GUY! Freaking save yourself now that you have the chance." Sounds crazy but I was in this mode yesterday. I honestly pray for this dude to find Islam so that he can teach it to his children. I pray his children come to Islam as adults, they are so cute Masha’Allah!

[66:6] “O you who have believed, protect yourselves and your families from a Fire whose fuel is people and stones, over which are [appointed] angels, harsh and severe; they do not disobey Allah in what He commands them but do what they are commanded.

From what I read and knew of Steve Jobs, this man had characteristics of a Muslim. He was so reserved and humble about his success. Makes me so sad. Not many who are that "successful" are of such caliber.

 So now I shall rant: I knew that Steve Job's biological father was a Syrian "Muslim" but I did not believe it was noteworthy or worth mentioning. Simply irrelevant when referencing the poor dude. It’s rather shameful and hoped it would not be disclosed or brought to attention but of course... it did…yeah you’d think it be easy to brush over since its rather horrific but yeah not some nationalistic Arabs or Muslims. *sigh*

One person said this and I quote "Proud That Steve Job's biological parent is Syrian (Abdul Fattah John Jandali, a Syrian Muslim immigrant to the U.S."

and someone else also thought it noteworthy to blast to everyone "How many of you knew that his father was a Syrian Muslim (Abdulfattah Jandali)?! ..."

SERIOUSLY?! Like, can someone explain to me, how a Muslim can be proud of a fornicator who left his child for adoption who currently manages a casino in Nevada who is SUPPOSED to be Muslim? but let me tell you why they are proud of him? Because they think they will get some approval or credit as if they had something to do with Steve jobs genius... "Must be those Arab or Muslim genes that led to his genius! LOL. "Hilarious! The poor man just died and was a hard working self-made success and somehow the only thing they can note is that they are proud his father was  A.) Syrian-Arab ( B.) “Muslim” (C.) All of the above; totally dismissing that his father did nothing but only conceive him.  

Why are we so eager for some approval that we lose our dignity to the extent we attain pride out of ridiculous things. Perhaps we have lost our dignity already and that is why we take pride in such things that are so irrelevant. this is where I made the connection with above hadith from Umar Al-Khattab (Radi Allahu Anhu). If we take honor in nationalistic things or outside of Islam why should Allah grant us victory? Allah will disgrace us if we think that we can attain honor outside of Islam.

Sometimes I think that I want this world so bad. I want to attain the highest degree; I want this and that but for what? Its encouraged to do our best in whatever we do but we got to set our priorities and know that they are means not our purpose in life. When one dies, your culture your nationality, your bank account balance, your degrees won’t matter... only your relationship with your Lord!

I can say a lot of "ifs" but I rather not... I will just say this man could have known Islam but his father deprived himself of Islam and therefore deprived his son... this is so sad. I hope one day that Muslims get “real” and learn that only honor is through Islam.

I will end with one of Steve Jobs Quote,

Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything -- all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure -- these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important.