In the name of God, most Gracious, most Compassionate

In the name of God, most Gracious, most Compassionate
Al-Quran (30:30)

So direct your face toward the religion, inclining to truth. [Adhere to] the fitrah of Allah upon which He has created [all] people. No change should there be in the creation of Allah. That is the correct religion, but most of the people do not know.

فَأَقِمْ وَجْهَكَ لِلدِّينِ حَنِيفًا فِطْرَةَ اللَّهِ الَّتِي فَطَرَ النَّاسَ عَلَيْهَا لَا تَبْدِيلَ لِخَلْقِ اللَّهِ ذَلِكَ الدِّينُ الْقَيِّمُ وَلَكِنَّ أَكْثَرَ النَّاسِ لَا يَعْلَمُونَ
[Al-Imran 3:8] "[Who say], "Our Lord, let not our hearts deviate after You have guided us and grant us from Yourself mercy. Indeed, You are the Bestower."


Wednesday, October 19, 2011

My Reminder


Subhana’Allah! Today I listened to an awesome lecture about haya. I have written before about the relationship between haya and Iman which, is so odd because for some reason I forgot about that concept when I had my recent “hijab issue.” I was not having doubts about my hijab or felt like taking off was only feeling saddened and disillusioned about it. I asked Allah to guide me and truly he has sent me more signs that I initally opted for. Feel like a failure and horrible but subhana’Allah the more I reflect on my hijab the more I adore it. We all need reminders and truly when it comes to Islam we will never be disappointed.
One of the ways that Allah perishes a slave is by removing their haya.  There is this really awesome  quote that this subject reminds me of:
On the authority of Abu Masud Uqbah bin Amir Al-Ansari ( Radi Allahu Anhu) who said :The Messenger of Allah (sallahu Allayhi wa salam) said: From the words of the previous prophets that the people still find are: If you have no shame, then do as you wish –Sahih Al-Bukhari
Although hijab is one article it’s a component that completes haya. If I ever hope to come closer to Allah I cannot neglect or overlook “one piece” of the whole “puzzle.”  I want to come closer to Allah and I want to be a grateful slave. I am grateful for all my blessings and I shall not sin against the one who has bestowed me with numerous blessings that I cannot count. 

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Week Reflection: To soften my heart and the Power of Dua :)


Yesterday, I went for Isha at the masjid after a long time of not going. I think in totality I have probably only gone about 6 times since summer this year because of a recent incident that occurred that I have been deeply hurt by. As I have been expressing I have grown very disillusioned at my community and at our ummah. I have witnessed horrible things. I know I can not equate Islam to muslims but when we have muslims who know the truth and have been guided yet neglect and take their Deen (religion-faith) for granted, the deep sorrow turns into hopelessness. Reminds me of this quote:  
'Umar bin al-Khattaab: This religion will be destroyed when people who never experienced Jaahiliyyah will apear (i.e. born Muslims, taking Islam for granted). [Tabaqaat 129/6]
The worst is witnessing daily Muslims neglect prayer. I cannot even express how that feels… it’s like witnessing a crime right in front of me and I cannot do nothing but just watch… I feel like an accomplice and the worst of all it’s against Allah. I feel angry and at the same time I feel so despondent. I have been writing a lot in order to eject any feelings that I can not register which have been bothering me. At first I was not able to express why it bothered me and why it made my heart feel dead and so I just talked about other stuff that I thought was what bothered me. I fear that my heart will become dead and that I will live in absolute ignorance and in bliss of my misfortune (true failure- losing one’s aakirah).  Then we wonder why we (Muslims) are the most disgraced and humiliated people right now… We might think it’s a trial but it most likely its a punishment or perhaps the doing of our own selves. We did this to ourselves [59:19].

We all sin we all make mistakes and I am far from being credentialed to even discuss this when I myself should fear being humiliated by own sins however, I know what is right from wrong as do other Muslims. I pray to Allah that he never seals my heart.
Recently I have been struggling to to feel love for this one individual in particular who is neglectful of salah.  I have tried but after a long time of making duaa I have decided I will continue even if I may feel discouraged at times and awkward. If I don’t feel love for them then what hopes do I have for having love for my other brothers and sister in faith and humanity? So yesterday I invited this individual to go to Isha with me and I probably needed it more than she did. Our outing  softened my heart as I seen this person truly want to become closer but did not know how and because of it did not know how to feel it in their heart.  It’s worth noting that this individual comes from a community that is “active” in dawah and they are also very active. I wonder why Allah placed me with this individual for me to see the sad reality that exist amongst our “reglious” community. I swear by Allah it pains me so much.  It makes me feel pity. I hold a lot of things responsible. Muslims are not doing their job. Parents are not doing their jobs…community is not doing the job. They are not teaching Islam they are just teaching routine/tradition/culture not Islam (submittance).  I felt so horrible! I had invited her at maghrib to pray isha with me at the masjid that way she would “prepare” herself for salah in case she was not. I went out and returned for her to notice she had used her prayer rug and probably prayed Maghrib. She was ready and dressed to go to the masjid. Apparently she looked forward to it. I wanted to cry so much! I wanted to hug her and tell her that Allah loves her and that he will love her even more. After isha there was a small khatirah and it was about renewing our Islam  and having love between our brothers and sisters in Islam Subhana’Allah. I want to soften my heart and not be of those type of indivudals who just rant about how someone is haram and instead find the love and mercy within me to want the best for them and go out of my way to guide them through other means besides my words. I want to liven the sunnah not just with my tongue but by my heart. May Allah make it easy for me.
"Sit with those whose actions speak to you, not with those whose utterances address you." -Hasan al-Basri 
Lately, my dua have not been that strong as my iman has been very low. One of my duas that I used to always do was for this newly convert sister who seemed a bit eccentric (gothic-anime) and I feared she would have difficulty keeping her Islam so I always kept her in mind. The sister later disclosed and inquired me about Islam’s position on homosexuality and sex change. After she learned it was not “acceptable” She began to bash Islam in public saying that the Qur’an has contradictions and etc. So I wrote her a letter and then blocked her out completely. I made one last dua for her and that was all out of anger. May Allah forgive and guide me.  Despite that I have not made much dua as of lately as I don’t feel my heart in them. I dont make dua for the sake of making dua but its better than nothing and certainly a good habit I should not desist in doing but I feel that I am not worthy or even in the state to have my duas answered.  This quote below from Umar Al-Khattab (radi Allahu Anhu) totally summarizes how I feel but I am totally not attaing the hikmah behind it and continue to make dua regardless as even desisting from making dua is a indication that my heart is hardening and I am misguiding myself.

“I am not worried about whether my du’a will be responded to, but rather I am worrried about whether I will be able to make du’a or not. So if I have been guided by Allah to make du’a, then (I know) that the response will come with it”  -Umar Al-Khattab (RA)

 

The last I heard was that the revert girl was a kafir and so forth. On Friday I saw her wearing hijab! She was with her girlfriend still but hey… she still believes in Islam! I don’t know what it could be but surely this is a sign for me. A sign for me to come back to Allah!  On Thursday I missed my GRE exam as the proctor did not allow me due to having my ID expired and did not want to accept my school ID. It cost me $160 and took me 3 hours to get there and all for nothing. I cried and begged her but she did not allow me. I was an emotional wreck… When I called my mother to let her know of the knews subhana’Allah my mother reminded me of the Qadr of Allah… and she is not even muslim. The amazing thing is not just that she told me that she wished my siblings were muslim when I told her how safe I felt with my hijab while talking public transportation while the assumption is that it makes one a “target” for harassment.  She also randomly asked me if I have been going to the masjid. I guess she has noticed that I dont talk much of my outings to it as I really have not been going (FAIL). Maybe If I would have taken the exam I would have failed miserably and really lost $160 and not been able to take the exam in time to apply to grad school (takes 2 months after the first tone to retake it). Maybe it was a dua that protected me and it took for that proctor lady to be extra mean to prevent me from failing. Ya Allah, what a week of reflection.  Allah has indeed given me signs to prove to me he does hear me. I have hope again and I feel like crap for not having some.

The time for hajj  is approaching and it makes me so sad about another year of knowing I will not make hajj. Obviously I can’t since I have no mahram and I know I can’t but I always feel so sad. My heart longs for it as if it were a land that I knew before and loved. Amazing how Islam can change one’s heart and make one hate or love certain things for the sake of Islam. I actually feel the longing in my heart. I long to meet my lord and I long to get closer to my Lord in any way! Uggh! I am such a sinner and feel stupid for even destroying that chances of achieving such (by sinning).


Anyways I shall continue my dua and forget all the negativity and continue to get closer to my lord despite the crap that discourages me… I need to continue studying my GRE (it aint going to study itself) I FEEL RELEIVED now… love to reflect and write it out. I hope it benefits others as it does to me. 



Monday, October 10, 2011

What the heart entails


Insha'allah I marry one day. Sometimes I feel doubtful as I don’t necessarily know how to go about it or do I feel I have the energy to. I believe the mere fact I am a convert makes it that much more challenging. Many would be of the opinion it’s otherwise but that is as a result that many reverts come into Islam from a prior illicit relationship (Sorry to say it so bluntly.)  Other times it’s because some brothers go for the “revert” sisters because they like the idea that they can manipulate and sway her as they desire and especially overlook her rights. I am not sure if revert brothers have an issue but if there is most likely its family rather than from the part of the girl.  Frankly, I am not easily amused. In addition, I am not easily fooled or at least I like to think that I am not. Even if I was naïve, if I follow the Islamic guidelines  I can rest assure that Allah will protect me if I don’t have anyone to do so REGARDLESS  if I have a “wali( guardian).”

The purest love that exists is the love of Allah (to love someone for the sake of Allah.) If one loves someone for the sake of just loving them it has not substance and is selfish and transient. I think loving someone because they are one’s spouse and one’s sees them as a blessing from Allah is far more beautiful and “romantic” than what we are constantly bombarded by in this society.

I feel so disillusioned about Muslim men that it makes marriage daunting for me. I would love to find my companion but I really have no idea how that will happen. I have come across men that are “allegedly” religious and when you really delve more you learn that they place honor in other things besides submittance to Allah. It could be nationality, family affairs, class, physical attributes, language and to make matters worse try to belittle others who are not of their “caliber.” Then are those that seem “deeny” but are as superficial as the jersey shore cast. You can bet they have semi-naked female friends (especially non-Muslim females) on their facebook. If they do run away! Not to mention there is no reason to befriend the opposite gender.

 Nothing is more unattractive than a man trying to hit on a sister online and pretend he is trying to make “dawah” … yeah right! They constantly engage in talking to sisters online… so unattractive and weird!

Which brings me to my other point, how someone who loves Islam could love someone that does not love Islam. I firmly believe that what one chooses as their spouse speaks volumes of what their heart entails. If one loves Islam one will see that love in their spouse. If a man does not even care to learn whether the girl he is “interested” in prays, obviously there is a flaw in his own deen as he does not even consider that imperative enough in life to have that as a pre-requisite for a wife. How can someone find beauty in that? I don’t understand.

Because I don’t have a “Wali”… oh wait I do… -_- In reality no one cares or will watch out for your rights more than your own father but I don’t have a Muslim father therefore Allah will be my Wali. I used to feel so saddened about this but then I realize that if Allah guided me and knew I would have to face this alone he would not abandon me and would protect me. Alhamdulillah I have avoided really bad situations! Allah knows what my heart entails and what I most desire. Truthfully, I don’t romanticize marriage never have been that type. I am just trying to implement my Islam as best as I could. The older and more independent I become (from parents etc) the more susceptible to a lot of the diseases of this society and be hazardous to my iman as I had expressed earlier about how my hijab is threatened. Islam is practical but society says its not… but when you are alone others try to convince you otherwise. I want to have a Muslim family. I have always spent my Eid’s and Ramadan alone. Only for once when my mother would wake me up for suhoor and make me something to eat. What a blessing it must be to celebrate and worship together as a family… I really yearn for that. All I look forward to Eids is the blessings of it and buying my family gifts in hopes they also look forward to it and Islam does not become so estranged in order to soften their hearts (gift giving soften hearts) and be a source of dawah to them. Maybe Allah will grant me both one day but until then I hope that my heart remains steadfast in this deen and what I am blessed with is what my heart entails.


Dawah

Alhamdulillah I am a muslim and I pray that Allah grants me a long life of obedience to him (Ameen) and I depart this earth as a muslim, however, my family is not Muslim. Sometimes I feel so depressed about it that lose hope and feel as if there is no need to make dua for them but I have never ceased to do so regardless if I don’t feel anything in my heart. I sometimes try to visualize how it can work for them. I am sure they would be ostracized by the community and their families as I have been but I still tag along I don’t care I just THINK they would be able to handle that. I have even came close to telling them to accept Islam and they could continue to do what they want. My priority is that they become Muslim first. Being a Muslim is better than being a sinning Muslim, that's how i try to make sense of things in this world where no one gives a hoots about anything but instant gratification. I figure that if they accept it, slowly iman will build. People don’t realize or I guess some Muslims that to accept Islam does not necessarily signify that one has faith yet. It takes time for Iman (faith) to infuse the heart. Everything becomes easier to do when you have faith. Salah is not a burden and something like pork that was not unusual before to consume becomes repugnant even the mere thought of it and the smell. Even the thought of being without hijab and in tight "revealing" clothes justify a panic attack.

I want my parents to be Muslim and I dont know how to exactly to make "dawah" to them without driving them away. Reasonably, I try to be the best Muslim and daughter I can be and never compromise my faith because I know they watch and test me. I think they do it unintentionally and try to validate my "religion" by measuring my conviction if I compromise. As a result I try to be very cautious. I also try to not to be shy about Islam although I feel awkward to bring it as it can become very tense. Before, I would not tolerate if someone talked about Muslims or islam in any negative or incorrect way and would become very emotional about it too. My parents have always had to mediate which I noticed began to strain their kinship with some family members. My mother advised me to be as tolerant as possible to show otherwise of what is claimed about my religion however she is adamant on me not having to feel that I have to please them by feeling I don’t have a choice. Once, one of my aunts was trying to humiliate me for praying and how I prayed and my mother told me later about it. I was unaware and but I had suspected it as I heard them and seen them walk into the room I guess thinking to find me there still praying but Alhamdulillah I was done by then. She was crying and told me in front of my father as my father “advised” me to just pray at home not in other peoples home “to pray where ever the heck I want to and when I want to and where I want to.” My mother knows more about Islam so she knew that I have to pray in specified times. It made me so happy yet so sad. I feel sad because they feel sad for me. I know they feel sad to see me have to deal with so much crap and I know they feel sad about the way I dress. My mom knows about how I also have to deal with crap from the muslim community. Since becoming Muslim I feel as I have become so aware of how horrible this world really is and makes me feel so thankful I am muslim and at the same time so disillusioned. I told an acquaintance two days ago how I sometimes I wish I knew no muslim but that’s really horrible to say. I regret saying that to her, who is a Muslim and I have great Muslim gal friends whom I love. I just felt so frustrated at the moment.


For me dawah is not about proselytizing. I hated it before I was Muslim and I hate now. Dawah is supposed to be this which is summarized in this quote by Hasan Al-Basri,

Sit with those whose actions speak to you, not with those whose utterances address you."


I am a Muslim because I believe Allah is the only one worthy of worship therefore as an effect of this conviction its only expected that I believe others should worship him too. In addition, I believe that the best thing in this world is Islam and if I love someone and want the best for them, I wish them Islam. I don’t try to convert others because I want a “bigger team” to brag about. It really annoys me when some Muslims make reference about how 1 in 4 humans are muslim and bla bla bla… WHO CARES?! Seriously! I will care when they practice Islam. So basically I am not into this, sit down with my parents and make dawah thing.
Dawah is not one-dimensional!… whats up with the pamplets? I am not going to give my parents a book or pamphlet about Islam. Why should they feel any need to read that stuff?  I have to inspire them by allowing to see the change in me. This applies to everything. If want others to see the beauty of Islam we have to show it. We can give information but rarely do reverts come into Islam because of a pamphlet... something else inspires them to take that plunge and be interested. 

I don’t understand why there is so much emphasis to make so much dawah to non-muslims when some muslims dislike one another in their communities. Honestly, I used to love my community until I realized how it all works. Everyone talks crap about one another and envies one another. How we trust one who does not love the best for their muslim brother and sister to love the best for non-muslims? The more I think about why they do I cringe at the reality of why that would be… its hypocrisy and total convenience. Its looks better to be the majority. If this was not the case they would not fight and bicker between each other. For that reason I am have taken a break and insha’allah will resume to being an active community member for the sake of Allah and for the future of our community, our ummah!

Many Muslims, upon learning I am the only muslim in my family somehow assume I have not made dawah to them or that I don’t care otherwise they would be muslim. They ask me, “Have you made dawah to them?”
“Yes,” I reply
“How? do you talk to them about islam?”
“sort of, but yeah I have…”
“what do you say to them?”
“umm well I don’t do it directly, Its difficult to say, it just does not work that way”
SILENCE

I love my parents and it hurts me so much that they are not Muslim. They are getting older and are past 60 now. I learned today that my father has been throwing up blood for some time. I felt so angry and I don’t know why. Trials will never end. Just when one thinks they are done with one a set others come our way. I have tried to “visualize” in order to mentally emotionally, and spiritually prepare myself for a tragedy ( a future trial) such as one of my parent's or siblings death. The way I rationalize it is that if they don’t accept Islam it is perhaps because Allah foresaw that they had arrogance in their hearts and therefore sealed their hearts and they died in such a state. Another way is that I reassure myself that in Jannah there is no pain or sadness and that it wont affect me then. I just don’t know how to deal with it now. I know it’s horrible to envision such things but it’s a reality that many don’t realize. Its such a blessing to have Muslim parents. If my parents die as kafirs, I can’t make dua for them and perhaps can’t even go to their funeral or not even tolerate it if I could. Can you imagine how painful it would be for me to attend their funerals in which a priest is throwing “holy” water at their coffins and reciting prayers of shirk (disbelief)?! Thats like adding salt to my wounds. I think I would just collapse and die of pain right there and then. I really just don’t know how to make dawah to them… or I guess I just don’t know when Islam will come into their hearts! I hope that even if I never know whats in their hearts that hopefully because Allah has mercy on them and allows islam to enter their hearts even if it maybe their last breath. 

Friday, October 7, 2011

To truly surrender: My Hijab



There are things that I don’t necessarily like but I love them because I know they were prescribed as a mercy from my most Beloved, Allah. One of the things I dislike but love ( my paradox -_-) is my hijab.  I have been wearing it for four years since I became Muslim. I never liked it or loved how I looked in it but because I then again am not necessarily supposed to like how I look in order to wear it. If I don’t like it does not signify I should not wear it. If it its hot I does not mean I should take it off.  I can make so many excuses and believe me I do but at the end I can never find any real justification.

 I am at the apogee of my beauty, early twenties and I have never shown it… makes me sad sometimes and I feel like hypocrite but I have accepted that its okay. I am a woman we naturally like to adorn ourselves that’s our nature. Then I realize that this is my real trial for hijab to prove to myself that indeed my hijab is for Allah. If it’s easy what’s the point right? Then I think if I would be capable of taking it off and I cannot envision myself strolling down the sidewalk with my hair flowing with a  cute “exposing” outfit. Uggh feel so humiliated just thinking about it. Does not mean I don’t like looking cute or would not be able to ever. I just wear what I like at home with my family and my female friends.

Wearing Hijab is so humbling. It conditions my heart. I felt so sad and so disillusioned about so many things that were occurring and then these thoughts about hijab which I rarely have, creeped in my mind and I began having thoughts of taking off.  When I think about why I take it off the only real reason is because I want to show off my beauty. I like the thought of not having to care and just walking out the door looking pretty. With hijab, I know I don’t look  attractive and so I don’t expect anything or to find love (LOL). I know someone will always look better than me and for a woman this feels kind crappy.I remember feeling this a while back at my cousin's wedding. At my cousins wedding everyone looked so pretty except me. All my females cousins wore beautiful dresses and I watched them danced and have fun. I was the only "young-person" sitting down with a veil on my head. I basically felt like a nun and miserable. I cried that day but the thought of taking off hijab did not come to mind until now.

When I envision myself without hijab I feel exposed and humiliated and I think of how arrogant I would be not because of exposing my beauty but on how I would publicly show my disobedience to Allah as if somehow boasting. how dreadful. That’s not who I want to be. I want people to know that in my heart there is something greater and dearer, Islam. My hijab is a manifestation of what I have in MY  HEART. maybe its not for every hijabi there but it is for me and that's what matters!  How would anyone know I am a Muslim If I did not tell them so? If I wear hijab what credibility do I have if I say Islam does not oppress women and is just?! NOTHING whatsoever!  its as good as being rejecting Islam in my affairs. 

In addition, I don’t think I would be capable to do it because I love Islam too much to demonstrate to others, ESPECIALLY my parents how little my faith means for me. I don’t want them to think it’s a phase and as a result took off my hijab. I think my parents would be shocked and be a little disheartened. They know that Islam means a lot to me and because of that they try their best to learn more. They know a lot about Islam and sometimes try to soothe me when I am depressed over "DSMD (dumb stuff muslims do)" They are so accommodating and so tolerant Alhamdulillah.  I am their only source of hidaya (guidance) and dawah (invitation) so I have to be the exemplar . why would I disappoint them? They watch me very closely and therefore have a lot to lose by taking off my hijab.

I love this ayah [66:6] 
O you who have believed, protect yourselves and your families from a Fire whose fuel is people and stones, over which are [appointed] angels, harsh and severe; they do not disobey Allah in what He commands them but do what they are commanded.

If I love them, I love the best for them and the best for them is Islam.  If I display myself as if I don’t care about Islam why should they? I never gave the thought of taking off my hijab but just recently I learned of a girl who wears hijab, eats pork, does not pray, has a boyfriend and who knows what else… (May Allah guide her, Ameen!! ) and it made me feel so disillusioned and broken hearted. Made me see hijab is nothing but a figment but I have been doing much dialogue with myself and have pumped myself up for this trial of mine. I shall overcome it bi'ithnillah! (By Allah's permission) and I know that whatever it is, my hijab will forever be mine. Hijab even as little as I made it out to be is greater than what I believe it to be. It is proving to be my test of my submission to Allah! Who would have thought I, the "hijab regulator" would be thinking this. ya Allah! May Allah see my endeavors and make it easy for me to please him Ameen.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Death and Honor


I was debating whether to rant today on my feelings on the big news about Steve Jobs’s death and the reactions towards it and apparently decided I would. So I will commence this post with this quote from Umar Al-Khattab (radi Allahu anhu).

"We were the lowest of all people and then Allah gave us glory by Islam, and if we seek glory in anything other than what Allah has given us (Islam), Allah will disgrace us."

I received the news of Steve Jobs death at work yesterday. A while back I had read about his fight with pancreatic cancer and then this summer read about his resign from his position as CEO of APPLE. Everyone tried to link it with his cancer but since Steve Jobs was so reserved it was not confirmed if indeed that was the reason why he did that and so it remained a mystery until now. I guess it “all” makes “sense” now.

When I learned of his death it felt so surreal yet so real. It was so weird reading about his disease and then as simple as that he was dead! Death is so real yet everywhere we look, we live in denial of it. I felt so melancholic the whole day. I was not a fan of Steve Jobs or even apple. I only own an iPod so yeah that’s as much as my affinity for APPLE goes.

It made me wonder about my own death. While I counted thrips (yeah I count insects at work) and extracted DNA from plant tissue, I kept thinking about one day I will die. How my body will just be there stiff and lifeless. I wonder how I will be buried. Will I be buried in a muslim cemetery or not?  I wondered how old I would be and how I would die. Would I be killed, would I die of a “natural cause?” Dear Lord I hope I don’t die as a Kafir!

 I also wondered if my parents will die before me. I don’t know how I will handle it and sometimes I hope they survive me. I think I would collapse and die just thinking of what awaits them if I never witness their embrace of Islam. I pray Allah has mercy on them and guides them before death visits them.

Not to mention that the coworker whom told me of the news is a kafir. Not just non-Muslim, I mean like a straight up kafir (he rejected Islam) like he was Muslim, grew up "Muslim" and now he is an atheist raising atheist children (none of my business but worth mentioning I guess....) He sat there quietly after he told everyone and somehow I was hopeful that he was having some type of Islamic epiphany. Yeah, no he was not!  All he said was "aww poor guy." I was thinking "WHAT THE HECK?! poor guy?! yeah POOR GUY! Freaking save yourself now that you have the chance." Sounds crazy but I was in this mode yesterday. I honestly pray for this dude to find Islam so that he can teach it to his children. I pray his children come to Islam as adults, they are so cute Masha’Allah!

[66:6] “O you who have believed, protect yourselves and your families from a Fire whose fuel is people and stones, over which are [appointed] angels, harsh and severe; they do not disobey Allah in what He commands them but do what they are commanded.

From what I read and knew of Steve Jobs, this man had characteristics of a Muslim. He was so reserved and humble about his success. Makes me so sad. Not many who are that "successful" are of such caliber.

 So now I shall rant: I knew that Steve Job's biological father was a Syrian "Muslim" but I did not believe it was noteworthy or worth mentioning. Simply irrelevant when referencing the poor dude. It’s rather shameful and hoped it would not be disclosed or brought to attention but of course... it did…yeah you’d think it be easy to brush over since its rather horrific but yeah not some nationalistic Arabs or Muslims. *sigh*

One person said this and I quote "Proud That Steve Job's biological parent is Syrian (Abdul Fattah John Jandali, a Syrian Muslim immigrant to the U.S."

and someone else also thought it noteworthy to blast to everyone "How many of you knew that his father was a Syrian Muslim (Abdulfattah Jandali)?! ..."

SERIOUSLY?! Like, can someone explain to me, how a Muslim can be proud of a fornicator who left his child for adoption who currently manages a casino in Nevada who is SUPPOSED to be Muslim? but let me tell you why they are proud of him? Because they think they will get some approval or credit as if they had something to do with Steve jobs genius... "Must be those Arab or Muslim genes that led to his genius! LOL. "Hilarious! The poor man just died and was a hard working self-made success and somehow the only thing they can note is that they are proud his father was  A.) Syrian-Arab ( B.) “Muslim” (C.) All of the above; totally dismissing that his father did nothing but only conceive him.  

Why are we so eager for some approval that we lose our dignity to the extent we attain pride out of ridiculous things. Perhaps we have lost our dignity already and that is why we take pride in such things that are so irrelevant. this is where I made the connection with above hadith from Umar Al-Khattab (Radi Allahu Anhu). If we take honor in nationalistic things or outside of Islam why should Allah grant us victory? Allah will disgrace us if we think that we can attain honor outside of Islam.

Sometimes I think that I want this world so bad. I want to attain the highest degree; I want this and that but for what? Its encouraged to do our best in whatever we do but we got to set our priorities and know that they are means not our purpose in life. When one dies, your culture your nationality, your bank account balance, your degrees won’t matter... only your relationship with your Lord!

I can say a lot of "ifs" but I rather not... I will just say this man could have known Islam but his father deprived himself of Islam and therefore deprived his son... this is so sad. I hope one day that Muslims get “real” and learn that only honor is through Islam.

I will end with one of Steve Jobs Quote,

Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything -- all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure -- these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important.


Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Working Hard

I have been so super busy and so focused that I am scared that if I fail I will become so disillusioned and depressed. I am sort of expecting the worse just so that does not happen but at the same time I want to be resilient and not give up even if I face failure the first time. The thing is that I feel I can not afford to fail right now for many reasons that I cannot express. This is where having trust in Allah comes in and believing in the Qadr of Allah. Things are hard right now but so what! I have to persist and work hard and prioritize. First comes Islam and everything comes into place.  So what if I have to deal with negativity. Thats life, thats reality! usually when I am depressed it drains me and sometimes decreases my iman but i am not going to allow that. I feel very positive right now and I love it.. hope it lasts! :)

Monday, October 3, 2011

Thoughts of my past and future.

Today I thought about my youth and how its passing me by. Before I was Muslim I had so many aspirations and wanted to do so many things. I realized today that I was supposed to have accomplished many things by now but have not. Everything has been set back or forgotten. I feel saddened about it and a failure. The more I think about how I am a failure the more I realize that I am a true failure if I measure my success with the ideals of this world outside the scope of the purpose of my life, my faith.

When I am alone and sad the only thing I feel in my heart is my desire to meet my Lord so why would I struggle for this world that has given me nothing in return but pain? I do have a lot of aspirations but they have changed I have new ones that are far more beneficial than learning how to flamenco dance for instance. I want to feel bitter by how the world has treated me but in actuality it has treated me better than most of its inhabitants. My duty is to safeguard my heart, my iman (faith) and Allah will be my protector, my support. So even if many take me as alone, I am  not.

Its hard to deny this world that you were and are socialized to pursue and  turn away once in a while from loved ones to save your dignity as a Muslim to then face denial from other Muslims and the community. I have been training myself not to care anymore and keep my iman (faith) intact. Right now I am just keeping away from what harms my heart and striving for the hereafter in the best way I can, just trying to be consistent. I pray my future has Islam and my trials feel like caresses from my Lord.