In the name of God, most Gracious, most Compassionate

In the name of God, most Gracious, most Compassionate
Al-Quran (30:30)

So direct your face toward the religion, inclining to truth. [Adhere to] the fitrah of Allah upon which He has created [all] people. No change should there be in the creation of Allah. That is the correct religion, but most of the people do not know.

فَأَقِمْ وَجْهَكَ لِلدِّينِ حَنِيفًا فِطْرَةَ اللَّهِ الَّتِي فَطَرَ النَّاسَ عَلَيْهَا لَا تَبْدِيلَ لِخَلْقِ اللَّهِ ذَلِكَ الدِّينُ الْقَيِّمُ وَلَكِنَّ أَكْثَرَ النَّاسِ لَا يَعْلَمُونَ
[Al-Imran 3:8] "[Who say], "Our Lord, let not our hearts deviate after You have guided us and grant us from Yourself mercy. Indeed, You are the Bestower."

Friday, October 7, 2011

To truly surrender: My Hijab

There are things that I don’t necessarily like but I love them because I know they were prescribed as a mercy from my most Beloved, Allah. One of the things I dislike but love ( my paradox -_-) is my hijab.  I have been wearing it for four years since I became Muslim. I never liked it or loved how I looked in it but because I then again am not necessarily supposed to like how I look in order to wear it. If I don’t like it does not signify I should not wear it. If it its hot I does not mean I should take it off.  I can make so many excuses and believe me I do but at the end I can never find any real justification.

 I am at the apogee of my beauty, early twenties and I have never shown it… makes me sad sometimes and I feel like hypocrite but I have accepted that its okay. I am a woman we naturally like to adorn ourselves that’s our nature. Then I realize that this is my real trial for hijab to prove to myself that indeed my hijab is for Allah. If it’s easy what’s the point right? Then I think if I would be capable of taking it off and I cannot envision myself strolling down the sidewalk with my hair flowing with a  cute “exposing” outfit. Uggh feel so humiliated just thinking about it. Does not mean I don’t like looking cute or would not be able to ever. I just wear what I like at home with my family and my female friends.

Wearing Hijab is so humbling. It conditions my heart. I felt so sad and so disillusioned about so many things that were occurring and then these thoughts about hijab which I rarely have, creeped in my mind and I began having thoughts of taking off.  When I think about why I take it off the only real reason is because I want to show off my beauty. I like the thought of not having to care and just walking out the door looking pretty. With hijab, I know I don’t look  attractive and so I don’t expect anything or to find love (LOL). I know someone will always look better than me and for a woman this feels kind crappy.I remember feeling this a while back at my cousin's wedding. At my cousins wedding everyone looked so pretty except me. All my females cousins wore beautiful dresses and I watched them danced and have fun. I was the only "young-person" sitting down with a veil on my head. I basically felt like a nun and miserable. I cried that day but the thought of taking off hijab did not come to mind until now.

When I envision myself without hijab I feel exposed and humiliated and I think of how arrogant I would be not because of exposing my beauty but on how I would publicly show my disobedience to Allah as if somehow boasting. how dreadful. That’s not who I want to be. I want people to know that in my heart there is something greater and dearer, Islam. My hijab is a manifestation of what I have in MY  HEART. maybe its not for every hijabi there but it is for me and that's what matters!  How would anyone know I am a Muslim If I did not tell them so? If I wear hijab what credibility do I have if I say Islam does not oppress women and is just?! NOTHING whatsoever!  its as good as being rejecting Islam in my affairs. 

In addition, I don’t think I would be capable to do it because I love Islam too much to demonstrate to others, ESPECIALLY my parents how little my faith means for me. I don’t want them to think it’s a phase and as a result took off my hijab. I think my parents would be shocked and be a little disheartened. They know that Islam means a lot to me and because of that they try their best to learn more. They know a lot about Islam and sometimes try to soothe me when I am depressed over "DSMD (dumb stuff muslims do)" They are so accommodating and so tolerant Alhamdulillah.  I am their only source of hidaya (guidance) and dawah (invitation) so I have to be the exemplar . why would I disappoint them? They watch me very closely and therefore have a lot to lose by taking off my hijab.

I love this ayah [66:6] 
O you who have believed, protect yourselves and your families from a Fire whose fuel is people and stones, over which are [appointed] angels, harsh and severe; they do not disobey Allah in what He commands them but do what they are commanded.

If I love them, I love the best for them and the best for them is Islam.  If I display myself as if I don’t care about Islam why should they? I never gave the thought of taking off my hijab but just recently I learned of a girl who wears hijab, eats pork, does not pray, has a boyfriend and who knows what else… (May Allah guide her, Ameen!! ) and it made me feel so disillusioned and broken hearted. Made me see hijab is nothing but a figment but I have been doing much dialogue with myself and have pumped myself up for this trial of mine. I shall overcome it bi'ithnillah! (By Allah's permission) and I know that whatever it is, my hijab will forever be mine. Hijab even as little as I made it out to be is greater than what I believe it to be. It is proving to be my test of my submission to Allah! Who would have thought I, the "hijab regulator" would be thinking this. ya Allah! May Allah see my endeavors and make it easy for me to please him Ameen.