In the name of God, most Gracious, most Compassionate

In the name of God, most Gracious, most Compassionate
Al-Quran (30:30)

So direct your face toward the religion, inclining to truth. [Adhere to] the fitrah of Allah upon which He has created [all] people. No change should there be in the creation of Allah. That is the correct religion, but most of the people do not know.

فَأَقِمْ وَجْهَكَ لِلدِّينِ حَنِيفًا فِطْرَةَ اللَّهِ الَّتِي فَطَرَ النَّاسَ عَلَيْهَا لَا تَبْدِيلَ لِخَلْقِ اللَّهِ ذَلِكَ الدِّينُ الْقَيِّمُ وَلَكِنَّ أَكْثَرَ النَّاسِ لَا يَعْلَمُونَ
[Al-Imran 3:8] "[Who say], "Our Lord, let not our hearts deviate after You have guided us and grant us from Yourself mercy. Indeed, You are the Bestower."


Sunday, October 16, 2011

Week Reflection: To soften my heart and the Power of Dua :)


Yesterday, I went for Isha at the masjid after a long time of not going. I think in totality I have probably only gone about 6 times since summer this year because of a recent incident that occurred that I have been deeply hurt by. As I have been expressing I have grown very disillusioned at my community and at our ummah. I have witnessed horrible things. I know I can not equate Islam to muslims but when we have muslims who know the truth and have been guided yet neglect and take their Deen (religion-faith) for granted, the deep sorrow turns into hopelessness. Reminds me of this quote:  
'Umar bin al-Khattaab: This religion will be destroyed when people who never experienced Jaahiliyyah will apear (i.e. born Muslims, taking Islam for granted). [Tabaqaat 129/6]
The worst is witnessing daily Muslims neglect prayer. I cannot even express how that feels… it’s like witnessing a crime right in front of me and I cannot do nothing but just watch… I feel like an accomplice and the worst of all it’s against Allah. I feel angry and at the same time I feel so despondent. I have been writing a lot in order to eject any feelings that I can not register which have been bothering me. At first I was not able to express why it bothered me and why it made my heart feel dead and so I just talked about other stuff that I thought was what bothered me. I fear that my heart will become dead and that I will live in absolute ignorance and in bliss of my misfortune (true failure- losing one’s aakirah).  Then we wonder why we (Muslims) are the most disgraced and humiliated people right now… We might think it’s a trial but it most likely its a punishment or perhaps the doing of our own selves. We did this to ourselves [59:19].

We all sin we all make mistakes and I am far from being credentialed to even discuss this when I myself should fear being humiliated by own sins however, I know what is right from wrong as do other Muslims. I pray to Allah that he never seals my heart.
Recently I have been struggling to to feel love for this one individual in particular who is neglectful of salah.  I have tried but after a long time of making duaa I have decided I will continue even if I may feel discouraged at times and awkward. If I don’t feel love for them then what hopes do I have for having love for my other brothers and sister in faith and humanity? So yesterday I invited this individual to go to Isha with me and I probably needed it more than she did. Our outing  softened my heart as I seen this person truly want to become closer but did not know how and because of it did not know how to feel it in their heart.  It’s worth noting that this individual comes from a community that is “active” in dawah and they are also very active. I wonder why Allah placed me with this individual for me to see the sad reality that exist amongst our “reglious” community. I swear by Allah it pains me so much.  It makes me feel pity. I hold a lot of things responsible. Muslims are not doing their job. Parents are not doing their jobs…community is not doing the job. They are not teaching Islam they are just teaching routine/tradition/culture not Islam (submittance).  I felt so horrible! I had invited her at maghrib to pray isha with me at the masjid that way she would “prepare” herself for salah in case she was not. I went out and returned for her to notice she had used her prayer rug and probably prayed Maghrib. She was ready and dressed to go to the masjid. Apparently she looked forward to it. I wanted to cry so much! I wanted to hug her and tell her that Allah loves her and that he will love her even more. After isha there was a small khatirah and it was about renewing our Islam  and having love between our brothers and sisters in Islam Subhana’Allah. I want to soften my heart and not be of those type of indivudals who just rant about how someone is haram and instead find the love and mercy within me to want the best for them and go out of my way to guide them through other means besides my words. I want to liven the sunnah not just with my tongue but by my heart. May Allah make it easy for me.
"Sit with those whose actions speak to you, not with those whose utterances address you." -Hasan al-Basri 
Lately, my dua have not been that strong as my iman has been very low. One of my duas that I used to always do was for this newly convert sister who seemed a bit eccentric (gothic-anime) and I feared she would have difficulty keeping her Islam so I always kept her in mind. The sister later disclosed and inquired me about Islam’s position on homosexuality and sex change. After she learned it was not “acceptable” She began to bash Islam in public saying that the Qur’an has contradictions and etc. So I wrote her a letter and then blocked her out completely. I made one last dua for her and that was all out of anger. May Allah forgive and guide me.  Despite that I have not made much dua as of lately as I don’t feel my heart in them. I dont make dua for the sake of making dua but its better than nothing and certainly a good habit I should not desist in doing but I feel that I am not worthy or even in the state to have my duas answered.  This quote below from Umar Al-Khattab (radi Allahu Anhu) totally summarizes how I feel but I am totally not attaing the hikmah behind it and continue to make dua regardless as even desisting from making dua is a indication that my heart is hardening and I am misguiding myself.

“I am not worried about whether my du’a will be responded to, but rather I am worrried about whether I will be able to make du’a or not. So if I have been guided by Allah to make du’a, then (I know) that the response will come with it”  -Umar Al-Khattab (RA)

 

The last I heard was that the revert girl was a kafir and so forth. On Friday I saw her wearing hijab! She was with her girlfriend still but hey… she still believes in Islam! I don’t know what it could be but surely this is a sign for me. A sign for me to come back to Allah!  On Thursday I missed my GRE exam as the proctor did not allow me due to having my ID expired and did not want to accept my school ID. It cost me $160 and took me 3 hours to get there and all for nothing. I cried and begged her but she did not allow me. I was an emotional wreck… When I called my mother to let her know of the knews subhana’Allah my mother reminded me of the Qadr of Allah… and she is not even muslim. The amazing thing is not just that she told me that she wished my siblings were muslim when I told her how safe I felt with my hijab while talking public transportation while the assumption is that it makes one a “target” for harassment.  She also randomly asked me if I have been going to the masjid. I guess she has noticed that I dont talk much of my outings to it as I really have not been going (FAIL). Maybe If I would have taken the exam I would have failed miserably and really lost $160 and not been able to take the exam in time to apply to grad school (takes 2 months after the first tone to retake it). Maybe it was a dua that protected me and it took for that proctor lady to be extra mean to prevent me from failing. Ya Allah, what a week of reflection.  Allah has indeed given me signs to prove to me he does hear me. I have hope again and I feel like crap for not having some.

The time for hajj  is approaching and it makes me so sad about another year of knowing I will not make hajj. Obviously I can’t since I have no mahram and I know I can’t but I always feel so sad. My heart longs for it as if it were a land that I knew before and loved. Amazing how Islam can change one’s heart and make one hate or love certain things for the sake of Islam. I actually feel the longing in my heart. I long to meet my lord and I long to get closer to my Lord in any way! Uggh! I am such a sinner and feel stupid for even destroying that chances of achieving such (by sinning).


Anyways I shall continue my dua and forget all the negativity and continue to get closer to my lord despite the crap that discourages me… I need to continue studying my GRE (it aint going to study itself) I FEEL RELEIVED now… love to reflect and write it out. I hope it benefits others as it does to me.