I never thank Allah for his blessings. I can not recall when I thanked Allah for my legs, my sight, my hair, my hands, my teeth, my skin, my health. All I do is complain to myself my own situation and even have the audacity to consider my life "hard." OH MY GOD... so ridiculous. I got it good Alhamdulillah. Recent college graduate, I have a great job and awesome tolerant co-workers (yup thats a blessing). I have a roof and a bed and I can eat whatever I wish. I could actually afford it. I can go to sleep in peace without worry of anything (eventhough I do have sleeplessness nights because I worry about stupid stuff). May Allah guide me.
I tend to feel bitter about things for a long time especially when people have "done" me wrong... Yesterday I emailed someone who I was made aware was ill. I thought it was a great opportunity FOR MYSELF to clean and soften my heart. Sure I wanted to show that person that I "cared." Well I sorta do because afterall they are believer and they have a family... I dont plan on receiving any reply. I have many assumptions of why they would which I presume are all correct but then again I am only assuming. Initially, I kept checking my email hoping to receive a reply but then I realized that if I want it to be sincere I should not expect reciprocation or validation. I feel that my heart was clean and I don't feel bitter towards that individual anymore. I dont want to hold them accountable for anything nor do i want them to have to answer to it on the Day of Judgment.
This brings me to another issue that I think is so important... COMMUNITY... where is the brother-hood and sister-hood? I will confess that my 'sisterhood enthusiasm' has died and therefore I should not expect otherwise either or be surprised why it has "died."
I have learned a lot lately about this. Something really horrible happened to me this year and no one was there to help me. My rights were trampled on, and only a few realized it but only help came my way when I requested it whole heartily and was persistent. "I say that no one will be able to take your rights if you know your rights" which is why it is so important for MUSLIM WOMEN especially to learn their Deen as much as possible. Anyways so things got awkward when somehow I am supposed to feel indebted to these individuals who "helped" me because they went "out of their ways" when in reality it is their obligations as Muslims to help others in distress especially when they see someone having their rights taken away. Nevertheless I have gratitude towards them for the sake of Allah because one who does not show gratitude to the people does not show gratitude to Allah. Mind you! I have no Wali or anyone to stand up for me but myself so I guess its only necessary for me to be very grateful right?
I was very bitter for a long time and I actually stayed away from the masjid and from people (muslims) until recently. Even my Mother inquried me about the masjid as she had "noticed"I did not talk about it anymore. What made me more upset is that my family got to experience the "pearl" that is the Muslim Community. Such great Dawah right? (sarcastically) After that I was sure they had no desire to even know about Islam Alhamdulilah that was not the case.
I lost hope in Muslims and even my Iman suffered. I did not want to be associated with Muslims at all which I think prompted my whole inner hijab drama I had (May Allah forgive me for my thoughts). I have come a long ways to forgive all those involved and to make dua to Allah to forgive and guide them (To guide me first). I dont think the people get it and I dont think they will ever get it. I don't want to act like a victim as I dont want to be a victim of anything. I shall only be a victim of my ownself.
Sometimes I cry remembering how I was humiliated and mocked at and how I felt so powerless and desperate. Then it reminds me of how I should prepare for the day of Judgment... Guess its good practice. I hope Allah purified me through such a trial and I continue to be purified as I clean my heart Ameen. I was made stupid promises like to make mockery out of me. I will succeed BI'ITHNILLAH and I have those people as examples of exactly what I don't want my life to be like.
Islam for me is more than just a mere label or a canon. I dont want to live a life where everything revolves around my kitchen and what I can do to please a husband that works hard to earn more dunya... seriously I don't want that. I want a husband that knows that he is my companion in this world and that he and I will assist each other to righteousness, to revive the sunnah of Muhammad (sallahu allayhi wa salam) in our home and compete with one another in goodness. I want my children to have a zeal to learn Islam and also want to compete with us for Jannah. I want them to love the Qur'an, to love Rasulullah (sallahu allayhi wa salam) and his companions INSHA'ALLAH!. I want so much... and its so easy and FREE. All this is free! Allahu Akbar! Why do I want from this dunya then if not this? What is possibly better than this?
I sometimes envision a time in which my children (insha'Allah) one day love will fight between each other to please me by reciting Qur'an. That they will fight amongst each other of who knows more Qur'an and knows more about a certain companion of Rasulullah (sallahu allayhi wa salam). I can't wait for all this. I want them to be my investment to Jannah. I want my family to be the one who race to helpe the helpless and the weak. That they only derive courage, honor and strength from Islam. None of this fruity stuff of wanting my children to be singers, actors, musicians.. ya Allah some people (muslims) actually wish this for their children. How disgraceful. I want my children to establish salah and always fear that they are not grateful enough to their Lord. I want my children to love to learn and in everything see the signs of Allah.
I can envision all this because I have seen this in my nieces and nephews who are so young and not muslim. They are so eager to learn. so eager to comply which is so extraordinary for kids that young to feel any inclination towards religion. My nephew still until this day speaks on my behalf to his other cousins on why I wear hijab and why I pray the way I do and the many times I do. I remember listening to his reply to his little cousin who inquired him why. It was the cutest thing ever and for me a sign from Allah that indeed we all have that fitrah. I don't remember what exactly he had told her but he taken back almost in awe of her question like a little adult.
I have so much I want to do and I thank Allah for my trials because they have humbled me.