Every time I sin, I feel that its only a matter of time before Allah disgrace and exposes me. I feel the weight of it linger over my consciousness. Every time I sin, I realize that its its a sign that my heart is becoming sealed and I wonder how much more is there until its completely sealed. Every time I am not disturbed by shamelessness I know that the end of times is near and I am of those that will be most susceptible to the fitnah of the end of times.
When reading and listening about the stories of the end of times sometimes one wants to believe that they will from those that will hold on to their Deen and so far I have not convinced myself that I will be of those. The worst of all feelings is that I feel like a hypocrite. what erks me the most about myself is that I started off with a blank canvas (free of sins when I accepted Islam) and now I have mountains of sins... ya Allah. I had an advantage and now I am behind... WAY BEHIND in my Marathon to Jannah (my analogy).
I was thinking of putting a sign on my wall to remind me that I am a hypocrite because I felt so angry at myself. Sounds kinda psychotic but I dont know nothing else to remind and discipline myself. The closer I feel I am getting to Allah the worse I fall. Its the weirdest thing ever. I could be reading Qur'an in the night, fasting, praying nafl and sunnah and being "extra" modest and bang... I SIN after all those good deeds as if they were done out of vain.
My attitude towards myself soon after is "what the heck i already destroyed myself already the heck with everything." I treat my soul like I treat my diet. For example, If I eat a chocolate (mess up my diet), I feel I might as well just make it my FAT DAY and lately I've been having these many converted fat days because I have no discipline...
My overall discipline affects my actions even my ibadah (worship) so it makes sense that Islam is a way of life. Good muslim will have good sleeping habits, be a good student, productive, healthy and fit individual and successful in all they do because Islam is about Ihsan.
I have prohibited myself from watching movies now. I dont care to watch dumb stuff that makes me waste my time when I could be learning something new and being productive and achieving my life long goals. My little sister is so awesome. she as well has prohibited herself facebook.... I could have been a hafiza by now with all the time I invest doing nothing. I could die now and I die a disgrace. Goodbye TV... goodbye mindless crap stuff... I have reached the point where I can say that this is not an extreme decision. I would have not thought so before but it would have been more difficult but not anymore. I am tired of wasting my time and only distracting myself which only makes sinning easier.
I am excited... VERY EXCITED to see how much my life will change from now on. I ask that Allah guides me and guides those who sincerely want to become closer to Allah. Ameen!