So I have been very cautious and vigilant of my surroundings and happenings. Yesterday I cleaned the bathroom and I suppose I used too much bleach because my head started hurting A LOT and my eyes burned! I thought to myself, "Oh my God, this is the moment I die," so I Googled it and apparently it was nothing to worry about Alhamdulillah and I think I survived :) While going to sleep I thought to myself how I hoped that my headache and my burning eyes were an affliction as a means of purification.
Sometimes we don't realize the effects of sins on us. I for one become very restless. My sleep feels very interrupted and I wake up with a dreaded feeling always. I sometimes wonder if I feel the effects of my sins so somatically due to the dua I made to Allah, that whatever displeases him may I find disgust from them and displease me. I sort of hope it is that because it would only mean that Allah answered my dua and that makes me feel very grand. Imagine getting a personal response by the president... Subhana'allah that would make many ecstatic but for me knowing that perhaps one of my dua was answered makes me feel so honored. The lord of the Worlds contacted me... ya what a feeling.
Now, I dont take much pleasure in watching movies or shows as I used to.When I sit in a gathering in which its not about Islam I get Attention Deficit Disorder or something which can be awkward for others.
Today I woke up with my head still hurting. I am not sure if its still because of the bleach or my sleep. Although I intended on sleeping early as usual, I did not sleep until 3 hours before fajr and I felt groggy and disoriented for fajr.Such a horrible feeling ya Allah! :( feel like a zombie!
The worst aspect of all of this is that I am so ungrateful and heedless. When my iman is high and I am more grateful (less extravagant), I feel happier even in the face of trouble. I then realized that I really don't experience many worldly trials at all or atleast I don't perceive them as such but when I am undergoing a very low iman my trials feel immense. I have everything I need and although I can ask for more I should be content and be patient. My trials are little compared to others which I am not sure if thats a good thing as the best of people are usually those who are tested the most:
It was narrated from Mus`ab bin Sa`d that his father, Sa`d bin Abu Waqqaas رضي الله عنه said: “I said: ‘O Messenger of Allaah which people are most severely tested?' He صلى الله عليه وسلم replied: 'The Prophets, then the next best and the next best. A person is tested according to his religious commitment. If he is steadfast in his religious commitment, he will be tested more severely, and if he is frail in his religious commitment, his test will be according to his commitment. Trials will continue to afflict a person until they leave him walking on the earth with no sin on him.’”Allah subhanahu Wa ta ala is the most merciful, he never burdens us with more than we can bear and does not destroy us immediately. At times when people wrong me I feel very merciless towards them and I think of how Allah the most great is able to withhold destroying us whilst we transgress him everyday. If only I had a beautiful patience would I be basking in the blessings of a happy heart of one whom Allah is pleased with.
The looser is the one who's goal is not to please Allah as he will only meet wretchedness...INDEED!
Suhaib ibn Sinaan رضي الله عنه narrated: “The Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم while sitting with his companions laughed and said: “Do you not want to ask me what made me laugh?” They said: “O Messenger of Allaah! What made you laugh?” He صلى الله عليه وسلم said: “The case of the believer amazed me! [In another narration it is: “How remarkable is the case of the believer”]