Its difficult to deal with things that accompany embracing Islam and entering the true Religion of Allah! That is expected! Life is hard period! The only difference is that a Muslim knows the reality of this life and its purpose while others don't. Those are as they appear; distracted. With their earphones trying arduously to block out reality and flood their minds with noise in order not to face it. The other day I thought of how I supposedly have not got much relief from my "trials." I only express this to show how disgusting it is to think this way and perhaps will deter someone from doing so.
I caught myself and Alhamdulillah began to ponder how disgusting it was to think this way; being ungrateful and thinking I know what is best for me than Allah. I feel as if at any moment Allah will destroy me for thinking such. I fear that my heart may be becoming sealed and there are so many clues to that being the case. If there is anything I HATE it is returning to kufr.
In addition, being a convert weighs heavily when I think about my future. Its difficult to envision anything when I see the obstacles now and don't know how to surmount them all on my own. So it only causes me to be a bit pessimistic and bitter. I should not be feeling bitter if I know this world is not lasting and my goal is jannah! What is it with me? I need to stop looking at how kafirs and munafiqs got it made in this life but not me. Honestly I got a very easy life and even if I did not I should not measure their dunya success with REAL SUCCESS, ISLAM! This is a "I wish I was dust" moment! I write this because I want to have this conversation with myself and reflect upon true success and to encourage myself to continue to strive to be beloved to Allah.I feel so defeated and my heart feels shattered for being such a loser! I hate myself for being so heedless. Life is hard and will always be. WE ALL just need to remain hopeful in Allah's mercy, fear his anger and strive for his pleasure. That is what life is all about, A GOOD LIFE THAT IS!